G.I.Joe: Retaliation

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - G.I. Joe Retaliation

I had such high hopes for this movie. I understand that this does not speak highly of my tastes, but hear me out. The first G.I. Joe movie (subtitled The Rise of Cobra) was wonderfully tragic. It's a masterpiece of Stephen Sommers style of directing known as the, "Stop asking questions. I did a while ago, and I'm directing" technique. I believe that movies can be made purely to be entertaining, and that we don't need a world of deep artistic revelations, or cutting introspectives on life. That's why I love the a movie that decides what it wants to be from the get-go. The first G.I. Joe was one of these movies.

It had a Wayans brother. It had a pre-popularity Channing Tatum. It inspired Michael Bay to replace Megan Fox with a Victoria's Secret model by having one first. It had Christopher Eccleston as a villain because he should always be a villain.

I don't know any Whovians that defend the Eccleston Doctor season. BECAUSE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE BAD GUY

It had crazy impossible science fiction, like face changing nano-robots and a roaming death cloud of all consuming "nanites". Power suits that made a Wayans brother keep up with a young Channing Tatum and missiles. MISSILES! And all the fan service you can buy without having appropriate colored laser battles.

It's not a good film, but it is a fun ride. Just sit back and let it happen and eat popcorn and let your brain unwind a little. It's tired of you too.

Still, this level of great-yet-terribleness is difficult to repeat. In fact, Sommers is one of the few people to pull it off (The Mummy series) So when they announced a sequel and he wasn't attached? I was sure we were headed for a train wreck. Then they put this trailer together. I was ready to believe.

The first movie had just 2 ninjas. This one has a FREAKING MOUNTAIN FULL OF THEM!

The first movie had Channing Tatum. This one ALSO HAS THE FREAKING ROCK!

The first movie had the Eiffel Tower melting. This one has FREAKING LONDON GETTING FLATTENED FROM SPACE!

The first movie had helicopters exploding vehicles. This one ALSO DOES THAT!

The first movie had Dennis Quaid. This one has BRUCE FREAKING WILLIS AND THE FREAKING ROCK!
The first movie had dialogue. This one has NOTHING BUT ONE-LINERS! AND BONUS JABS AT NORTH KOREA!

This should have been 122 minutes of relentless, over-the-top, nonsensical action. Exposition should have competed with explosions for total screen time. Blue and red lasers should have been so superfluous they would have had to build in a seizure prevention intermission. Instead, we got this turd.

I can pinpoint the exact moment when Retaliation completely ruined everything.

It wasn't the attempt at a quick recap of the previous story, even though it was completely unnecessary and slightly confusing.

It wasn't when they removed Destro, Cobra Commander, and Zartan from the villainous spotlight. Seriously, the villain in this is the actor playing the president. The other's total combined screen time is less than the RZA, so they don't count.

Johnathan Pryce gets second billing ahead of Bruce Willis and Channing Tatum in an action movie. That's not what ruined it.

It wasn't when they shoehorned Bruce Willis into the film. You can even see it in the trailer, he's green screened in a truck instead of doing anything that would require a second take or a stunt double.

It wasn't when they introduced a slew of Joes that we didn't know, and only 1 new villain in "Firefly". Also, it wasn't when they paired up The Rock against Firefly instead of someone physically intimidating.

It wasn't when they started rattling off things that sounded like fan service in passing dialogue, and never show any of it.

It wasn't when they decided that the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow dynamic needed further exploration, so they hired Wu-Tang Clan's kung fu fanatic The RZA to be the new ninja master. This was a good choice, but it's not enough to make up for the decision of making up a twist to the back story in the first place. Not including the RZA in the soundtrack was a bad choice, but that didn't ruin the movie either.

I almost asked why he was in it, and then I came to my senses. Why wouldn't he be in this? Did you see The Man with the Iron Fists? Go do that instead of Retaliation

It wasn't the incredibly boring amount of political warfare that was happening. This could have been called G.I. Joe: Referendum with the amount of time talking about the plots to control the world through politics around nuclear disarmament.

It wasn't the way the evil plan is executed, which when it happens, probably should have wiped out all life on Earth on its own.

It was when they made one horrible decision that killed everything in this movie. 

I'd call it a spoiler, but it was the reason they pushed back the release of this movie, and it was discussed publicly at the time. Still...

You're warned I guess?

It was when they killed everything from the first movie. Seriously. Everything they brought over from the first movie dies in a fire. Take a closer look at the poster. Notice what's missing?

Johnathan Pryce?

It's everyone except Ray Park as Snake Eyes (the all black ninja in the corner), and Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow (the white ninja at the top). The entire original cast, plot, relationships, inside jokes, technology, threats - all of it - gone before the first 25 minutes are finished. I can't name anything that has killed off 99% of the cast and characters from one issue to the next and retained viewers.

OK, maybe this one. But only a little because they keep the same main characters.

I was shocked because they had so much source material from the first movie to call back to, and they got rid of all of it. They couldn't even get Tatum to play his own corpse, which made me think he might not actually be dead. That was, until The Rock dumped out a backpack full of more dog-tags than there were people in the movie, and Bruce Willis picked Duke's out on the first shot.

And it was such a waste! The Rock and Tatum had such great on screen chemistry. They had a banter that made you buy in to their friendship outside of "work". Did no one watch the dailies with the two of them? Who made the call to say "Yeah.....nah. We don't want that anymore."

Enough with the pining for a disastrous action movie that didn't happen. This movie committed the worst offense a movie can make. It was boring. It is poorly held together by the gravity caused by the massive plot holes. The impending threat to the world's safety is only brought out in the closing 15 minutes. For all we can tell, the biggest threat is a shiny briefcase with the COBRA logo. I felt more intensity from listening to the dial up connection in WarGames than the whole of this movie.

Don't see this movie. Not even to get that "train-wreck" aspect. Retaliation will only disappoint you. They should have kept delaying the release of this until a few hours after the end of time. Now you know.