The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Floro's Late To The Party Reviews - The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

First off, yes. Yes, I inhaled the books shortly before it was the Twilight replacement for the tweenie demographic. And yes, I saw the first movie. I actually saw it on opening midnight, surrounded by the tweenie demographic up to their chaperone parents, with a large portion of the population in costume. No, I did not go with my hair in the trademarked braid. And yes, I enjoyed the first movie. I thought it was a very solid translation of a difficult book to represent in a PG-13 rating with a time limit. So I came into the second movie with high expectations. I was not disappointed.

Catching Fire as a book takes everything from The Hunger Games and runs it through an amplifier set to at least a volume of 8. The Hunger Games are an annual government run child murder-festival to remind everyone that the government is in charge. Two kids, one boy and one girl, are chosen at random from each district to compete in a winner-takes-all loser-is-dead nationally broadcast survival tournament. Like Survivor meets The Running Man (or Thunderdome). Our heroine, Katniss Everdeen survives in the first book ("spoiler?" I mean, there's a sequel and it's not Game of Thrones). Catching Fire kicks off following her surprise victory, and the repercussions of how she did it.

Mostly, you die though

As it turns out, the world is very class divided, moreso than what we see in the first installment. So is the reaction to how Katniss won her Hunger Games. Some saw it as an act of desperate love (it wasn't really). Some saw it as an act of public defiance against the evil Capitol (it wasn't really). Now, on the victory tour, Katniss has to pretend it was only love so people don't use her as a symbol to start a revolution. Problem is, she sucks as an actress, which leads to the evil President Snow concocting a plausible exception to put Katniss back into a special edition Hunger Games, against a bunch of previous fellow champion child-murderers. We basically have the first book, only now the whole world is at stake, and the competition is massively harder. It's everything you could want from a sequel, which is why I was really looking forward to the second movie.

I wasn't optimistic, but I was looking forward to it anyways

Now if you hadn't already been told, or seen an example of her talent for yourself, Jennifer Lawrence is the real deal. She single-handedly carries the entire fictional universe with ease, and is enough reason to watch the movie herself. She acts circles around nearly everyone else on screen, save for maybe Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket. Lawrence has to play a tomboy, PTSD suffering, love-triangle-having, instant celebrity teenager, who by the way is being blamed for inciting a revolution and may inadvertently be doing just that. She pulls you in and forces you through the same gamut of emotions and pressure.

Not pictured here: Emotions and Pressure (but that's the point in this scene)

No disrespect intended to the late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman - he was appropriately cast as Plutarch Heavensbee, the new game-master. I was just underwhelmed by his performance. It was fairly subtle, as was his style, but he wasn't given much opportunity to shine, and he didn't do much with the times he was given. Elizabeth Banks is spot on again; relishing every minute of her role. Josh Hutcherson is serviceable as Peeta, but once again he doesn't bring anything to the role. It's hard to match up to Lawrence, and he doesn't take anything away from the movie, but he is equally replaceable. As is the other other Hemsworth brother, Liam who plays the third leg in the love triangle Gale. Woody Harrelson, Donald Sutherland, and Lenny Kravitz all have their moments, but they are all wildly overshadowed by Lawrence.

The movie is well shot and directed by Francis Lawrence (no relation) and his crew. Lionsgate made the right decision to keep him on for the inevitable, 2-for-the-money finale movies. I can't speak to how much money Lionsgate and company are making off of having Jennifer Lawrence signed on to the whole series already. Considering she can basically do anything she wants for the next 5-10 years without question, having her on board is like getting Tom Brady on a rookie contract. You're going to win big, even if it's not everytime.

So how does the movie hold up as a translation of the book? Pretty well, actually! Again, considering the content (child murderers, ruthless dictatorship, violent uprisings) I'm impressed with what they got away with when keeping this in the demographic sweet spot PG-13 rating. You still feel every impactful moment from the book. The cuts to the extra details and background stay consistent from the first movie, and help the pace stay progressive. The casting is strong, and the established characters that continue to the big finale are well represented.

That all said, it is a lengthy movie clocking in at just under 2.5 hours. I could have cut it closer to 2, but I wouldn't have been happy about it. It definitely feels like a 3+ hour movie by the credits. Time well spent, but only if you're willing to invest it and the emotional wear and tear on top of it all.

Knowing what's coming, I really don't know how they're going to do the finale justice with a PG-13 rating. Suzanne Collins took the amp to 11 in Mockingjay, and in doing so wrote one of the most moving (and rather horrific) character deaths I've had the pleasure to read, and that's not the worst thing that happens. I'm betting they will pull a few of those punches, but I will be happy to pay for Lawrence's screen time to see just how it all comes together.

The books are a quick read, but they aren't easy. If you're reading this, you're likely outside the tweenie demographic, and can make your own choices about reading a crumbling distopian epic full of murder, turmoil, murder, politics conflicting with revolution, and dead kids. I am glad I read them. If you can handle the harsh fictional reality, and want to see some damn fine acting from at least one person, you should watch the movies.

Les Miserables - My experience

Les Miserables - My memory, my story 

This year I have had the privilege and honor of being cast in Les Miserables with Roberts Wesleyan College Community Theater. I have had such a blast with the immensely talented cast and crew, and to be completely candid, I was really worried about that from the start. This show in particular means way too much to me, and I'm going to take the next few [thousand] words to explain why. What you're about to read is the complete version of a monologue I've crafted over the years, and have used as an introduction in many of my training classes. I hope that you enjoy this version of the tale written with more detail, potentially more exaggeration, and less education.

My Dad grew up in Wantagh, Long Island, and his parents still lived there in the early 90s. We made one of our many visits to them one vacation and there was a special surprise for us. Beauty and the Beast had recently opened on Broadway, and we were all going to go! I was 11; my sister 6. At this point, no one was really sure if Disney could pull off a musical. "I mean, it's not even animated, and it's just the movie again. No one will want to go see this!"

In retrospect, this was a really stupid presumption. Of course Disney knows how to put on a show! Even if they didn't, they could afford to imagineer a way to do it. The show was a blast! They did everything they animated and then they did even more. Beauty and the Beast is one of my favorite shows to be in the chorus, if for nothing else "Gaston" is the most fun ensemble number I've ever done.

Those mugs make for awesomeness all over. Trust me.

We were so engrossed by the performance and the stage effects, that I didn't notice my Dad ducking out for the majority of the show. I'm not sure if it was the weather or if he picked up a bad meat-cart hot dog, but he was in rough shape. When we got back to the house, he locked himself upstairs saying "if you're gonna come up here, it had better be to put me out of my misery."

Now, the original plan for the day was for my sister and I to stay back at the house with the grandparents, and for Mom and Dad to have a night on the town. Dad had planned to take Mom out to see her all-time favorite show, Les Miserables. Dad hadn't seen it, and while it wasn't high on his list, he wanted to be sure Mom had a show to remember, so he had bought the tickets months in advance. Obviously, those plans changed.

Mom turned to me as her date for the evening, and I happily obliged. I have always been a bit of a momma's boy. I have never seen that as an insult. I got dressed up again, because that's what you do when you go to the theater in New York City. It's a law. They charge you extra on your state taxes if you don't. Look it up some time.

You shouldn't be surprised, at least not in NYS

We rode out to the Wantagh LIRR station, and caught the elevated train into Penn Station. It was not my first time on a train, but it was my first time on a train with a purpose. On the hour or so ride in, my Mom took the opportunity to start explaining the show to me. This is something I think should be done for anyone's first time experiencing Les Miserables. It can be done without any major spoilers, and the show (much like the book) is very long winded with many things happening at once. Oftentimes, there are several characters singing plot points directly at each other simultaneously. Combine that with the amount of material, time, emotions, characters, and spotty diction inherent to a showy opera and you have a recipe for 3 hours of nonsense if you don't have a basic grasp of the story structure.

And let me point out for those of you that hadn't heard - this is an opera. I understand it's been labelled by the vast majority (myself included) as a "musical", but that's simply because it's in English, and it was one of the longest and most popular Broadway standards. There aren't enough intentionally spoken lines to justify calling it a non-opera, except that "musicals" sell more tickets. So there's warning number 1 for you - It's 99% singing and the other 1% is also probably singing. There are some of the most beautiful and iconic songs to be put on a stage so it's totally worth it. I just know from experience that not everyone appreciates the "surprise".

Warning number 2 is the same warning my Mom gave me on the train: Everybody Dies. The title, Les Miserables, should give it away. It's not called "Les Happy Joys" or "Les Get Together and Hang Out with some Dip" for a reason. That reason is a lot of dead people. OK, not everybody dies, and no, I won't tell you who. Just be aware - everyone is a combination of miserable or dead at some point during the show. Again, not everyone appreciates the "surprise".

Even a happy surprise can go unappreciated

We arrive at Penn Station, and take a look at the wall-sized subway map. We ensure we are in agreement on the exact number of stops, colors and letters of the lines, directions and timing to our destination, and a plan in case we get separated somehow. Our grip on each other is enough to ensure that won’t happen, but it’s good to have a plan anyways. We are lucky to find a pair of beat up orange and yellow plastic bucket seats open in a car. I watch the lights, pillars, and station names go by, waiting for our stop.

We make our single transition to the connecting line over to the theater district, and we get out at the Times Square station. Have you ever been to Times Square? Have you ever been at night? If not, this is a requirement to be considered a proper resident of New York State. Without that experience, you legally aren’t allowed to gripe about people who assume you are “from the City”, or that “The City” doesn’t mean your town to anyone from out of state.(There’s a mediocre fine anytime it happens, but the court’s surcharge is how they get you anyways.)

Making these things isn't cheap!

This experience is one that may not be accurately captured in word or song. Coming out of the tunnel you are immediately confronted by the full force of everything considered to be a part of “The City” condensed into an area created specifically to overload your brain to a point where you have no choice but to submit to the towering images, flashing lights, echoing sounds and pure commercial energy generated in a constant feedback loop on itself. I was removed from my senses, unable to move my legs because I thought they were already in constant motion. Turns out they were, I was just getting bounced around between the rest of the city as they continued to exit the station through me. There is no time in Times Square, least of all for a waist high obstacle staring up towards the space that once held the sky. I don't blame 11 year-old me. I was overwhelmed as I tried to take all of it in.

The amount of manufactured spectacle is equally matched by the spectacle generated by the patrons of this area of “The City”. Past, present, and future fashion is constantly on display by those that need to be seen, while the passers-by are a constant blur of coats and conversations. My mother likes to remind me that I was a very observant and inquisitive child. I would ask her about any new experience or situation, including investigating the logic behind those tall men in short dresses requesting people’s company in the few areas with less than 10,000 watts of light around.

The best way to navigate "The City", as I’ve learned from this and other experiences, is to have a mission. Pick a spot, any spot, and make that your quest to reach. You’re always welcome to engage in any distractions as they come – and they will. But whenever you feel lost or tired, The mission will give you the focus you need to cut through the infinite noise and channel the energy surrounding you into executing a plan of action. Our mission was clear, and we pressed on.

Above: Mission objective

We traveled a few blocks, and around a corner to arrive at the famous Imperial Theatre. My expectations were entirely misplaced. I think I was expecting an entire city block dedicated to 1 stage; like a movie theater building, but exponentially larger to match the inflation of "The City". The Imperial looks smaller than my college apartment from the exterior. The entrance is wide enough for 4 people, give or take an arm. Once you get past the two sets of double-doors, you enter the foyer. One wall is reserved for the merch table, replete with programs, buttons, gray T-shirts with the sad French girl, Official Original Broadway Cast Recordings, and anything else they can brand. The other wall has the refreshments that you can’t take into the auditorium, and you can’t take out of the building. We pause to look at both, and decide it would be best to find our seats and take a breath.

Timid with excitement, I show my ticket to the usher. Mom had entrusted me with my ticket for the entire length of the foyer, and I was cautious to relinquish it to a stranger, even an old one in a shiny vest. She pulled out her flashlight, reviewed the tickets, and handed us our Playbill; a white booklet with a yellow and black title square, the same, sad French girl in white contrast on a black background. I was so enamored with the gift, I almost didn’t realize the usher had moved the entrance curtain and started walking towards our seats.
 
Somehow, they fit an entire theater in my apartment! We were early, so there weren’t too many people to worry about as I stared in awe at the size and detail of the space. We continued to the house left aisle, and we turn right to head towards the stage. The usher stops just in front of the edge of the pit and makes an open handed gesture to the row on our right. There we were, 4 rows from the stage, on the aisle. We thanked the usher and sat. Well, Mom did. I more bounced than anything.

They didn't have a sweet mini-fridge though

I took it upon myself to investigate the surroundings, since we had time before the opening of the show, and I didn't want someone to take my spot. I started by looking at the stage, and I noticed the edge of the giant circular cutout in the middle. Turns out (see what I did there?) that was the rotary, and the stage/scenery/actors would rotate in and out of view to demonstrate traveling between scenes. Awesome!

I then looked down into the pit. The pit at this show was hidden under the stage, but they had a small black wall that bowed out in front of the stage to give you the visual representation of the pit. I can still remember the alternating diagonal slits of the black metal grate over the pit. This was so you couldn't just throw your garbage away, and to keep the actors from landing on the drummer if they went too far downstage. I saw the bass player. I played cello and bass, so it was neat to see someone doing it all grown up. Then he saw me! And waved! So I waved back!

The lights dimmed. No one had come to join our row. No one had come to the rows in front of us. Dad must have really done something right to get this tickets. It was me, my mom, and the stage.

I remember every minute of that show.

I can't describe how deftly my mom would glaze over the...less than savory bits, but still find ways to help me keep up. The first act covers more than 20 years without batting an eye. Eventually it catches up to itself and becomes much easier to follow. The act builds towards the students starting up a revolution, leading to the rebellious "Do You Hear The People Sing?". A few sappy love songs later and we are closing out the first act with "One Day More".

At the end of a long week of work, some people sing Loverboy's "Everybody's Working for the Weekend", or The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love.". I sing "One Day More". All 9 parts. At once. Hopefully not out loud all the time. By the blackout, I was ready to pick up a musket and fight the revolution! Let's go, Mom! We can help win this thing!

11 year old me was ready to go back 200 years and fight because of that flag

At the start of the second act, there was the absolute coolest technical action I've ever seen. The way the barricade came together from out of nowhere was pure magic. I think there was a collective and audible "wow" from the entire audience.

And that's when the really depressing stuff happened. I remember hearing different people scattered around the auditorium when their character was hurt or dead (or both). I remember mine (again, not gonna spoil who). Should they decide to bring this to public broadcast a la "Sound of Music", the show could easily be "Les Miserables: Brought to you by Kleenex!"

The show ends with everyone back on stage, singing one last cry of hope for tomorrow to the tune of "Do You Hear The People Sing?". I stood before they cut off the final note. I stood through all of the bows. I stood taller and clapped harder for the leads. I stood until the end of the bow music, and for minutes after while everyone behind us turned to leave. I could not move at first. I needed to fill every square inch of me with what had just happened; to carry as much of it home as I could hold physically, mentally, and spiritually. When I had sponged all that I could from the atmosphere, I made a point to wave to the bassist again (he waved back!), and we worked our way out of the theater.

As we walked outside, I was completely energized! There was a random group of shadows playing some music and hanging around a street lamp at the edge of a nearby alley. I suggested we go join them, and started to sing along. My mother wisely pulled me aside with her hand over my mouth. "Are you crazy? Wearenotgoingdownadarkalleywithabunchofstrangersendofstorynowcomeon!" I was a clever boy. I got the point.

We rounded the corner and got back to Times Square. It was busier than when we had left it! My mind was blown. How can you people be out so late? Don't you have a bed time? Don't you know what time it is already?

Seriously people. Show's over already!

We got back on the subway, finding two more beat up bucket seats, and ride back to Penn station where we can transfer back to the LIRR. Eventually, the buzz and excitement wore off, and I crashed out, waking the next morning back in the little house in Wantagh.

Mom had bought me one of the over-sized, gray T-shirt with Cosette on the front and the French flag behind her. "You'll grow into it.", she hoped. I wore that shirt for the next decade (not consecutively, weirdo). I probably spent the rest of the trip, and all of the many hours on the drive home, telling the details repeatedly to my little sister who indulged me, or not. I would have told the car door. I probably did. Anything to keep as much of that ephemeral spirit I had sponged at the end of the second act from escaping.

I had been in the theater world since before I could hold my own head up, but to that point I had never really grasped why people would go. I always thought "well they know someone in the cast" or "they want a fancy night out" or "there's no good cartoons on at night." I always enjoyed being a part of a show from on or backstage, but it took me many years after that night to realize how much I truly love it.

That's why being a part of any show, but this one in particular, means so much to me. It's an opportunity to step out of this world, and bring people into a new, more wondrous one. Live theater has the rare advantage of putting an entire building in a time capsule, safe and sheltered from the everything outside the three walls and invisible 4th of the stage. At its apex, the theater brings together every single person on either side of the curtain; invested in one grand attempt to capture even a taste of that magic we've lost to the hardships of life. It's also why I hang back for a few more seconds after the scrim drops, the cannon fires, and the lights come back up. No matter how hard I try, I know that I will never be able to soak up enough. I just try to make sure I get enough to last for now.

Lost Season 1 Recap - the whole darn thing.

**Ed. note - This has been a running draft at random points over the past 9 weeks. It may even include some accidental references to parts in Season 2, but I think I cleaned up this hack's work pretty well. As for the random jumping nature of the narrative, tough luck. Lastly, there was a heated debate as to whether or not this should be split into multiple posts. That debate was ended when I decided it would be too much work and only crazy people would be reading past this note.

LOST Season 1: Complete!

After a more than brief hiatus, (did you know newborns are a lot of work?) I'm back with a vengeance! And I did it! I have made it through Season 1 of this fever dream of a show. I am disappointed. And hooked, at least a bit.

Season 1, when broken out by Netflix, is 24 episodes. My last post was around halfway through the season. Somewhere in there, they lost (heh) the plot. I would have given up on this show somewhere around episode 15 if it were on only once a week. They managed to provide a back story (with a twist!) for all of our heroes. Then they provided a second view on most of our heroes (with a bonus twist!) This was nearly 3 season's worth of character histories and twists, and NO PLOT!

The name of the show is LOST. If you are LOST, you try and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. The writers seem to have forgotten about that for a dozen episodes. 1 person, just 1, gets the idea to build a raft and try and go somewhere. After Sayid's attempts to figure out a radio failed, everyone just kind of settled in forever? Come on. They make a point to say there are 40 people on the island, and 30 of them are just glad to finally get a vacation?

Once I got past that, I realized they were busy introducing another 11 possible plot elements. There's enough here to make no sense for a long time. So, before I get in to Season 2, I'm going to break down everything I've learned so far, and then make my best possible predictions. Ready? Go.

In a suit, no less

"Plot" Elements

• There was a plane crash, with at least 40 survivors
• There could be more from the back half of the plane. We stopped caring about that around episode 7. Surely they'll show up in a few episodes.
• There are other people/things already on the island.
• One is a psychoFrenchlady - Danielle Rousseau
• There "The Others", who don't really get introduced until the closing episodes. They may be smoke monsters. They may be hobo pirates. We don't really know.
• There is an invisible T-Rex/"Security System"
• Also the occasional polar bear.
• There is a series of Numbers that might start tying everything together, or might just be messing with people.
• 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. We know that they all flew on flight 815 from gate 23.
• There is a Hatch with no handles. It might be something more than increasingly frustrating for Locke.
• The Black Rock is actually a ship (ok, I liked this one). The Black Smoke Pillar is actually just a torch (this was extra dumb).

Main Characters

In a suit, no less

Jack Shepard (Dr. J) - He was a surgeon, and now he's the leader. Has a problem "letting go", especially of people dying. Had an alcoholic Dr. Dad who apparently ruined Jack's life a few times. Jack was married to a former patient, but now he's not. Likes Kate, dislikes Sawyer. Is willing to do whatever he thinks is necessary to have things go his way. Definitely straddles the sanity line, but only if he's the focus of that part of the story.

Prediction: This is all a dream of his, and he's a patient in a rubber room in a psych ward.

Thankfully, not in a suit

Kate Austen (The Hot one) - Kate was apparently a master criminal who's just misunderstood (by the laws she's breaking). Her contract has some reason to get her down to her underpants at least once out of every 8 episodes. She had a boyfriend that she used (and shot) to get something from an old boyfriend that she used (and got shot). She's willing to use just about anyone and anything to get what she wants, but she's also kind of a good person? She had a sick mother who was terrified of her for some reason. We really don't know what Kate wants out of life (except to be free!)

Prediction: We find out she's an adrenaline junkie who hung out with the wrong crowd in high school, stole a pack of smokes one day, and became a fugitive of escalating crimes until she crash landed on the Island. Basically, LOST is 1 big PSA against petty larceny.

Too smooth to not be in a suit

James "Sawyer" Ford (Man Purse) - An ornery Tennessean con man who's just misunderstood. Wants revenge on the con man that caused his dad to kill his mom (and then himself). Has already killed one guy under the wrong pretenses. Hates the T-1000 that set him up to do that.

He was trying to con him into killing Sarah Connor

Sawyer apparently scavenged everything off of the plane that people would want or need at a moment's notice. Is a nice guy at heart. Met Jack's Dad, and shared his Redemption Song (which he sings on the raft). Also, the glasses Sayid made for him are fantastic and underutilized. 

Prediction: We find out he's the con man that conned his dad by conning his mom, and that his real name is Oedipus.

The only time he isn't made to look like a grungy bad guy

Sayid...something. (Sayid) - The Iraqi ex-Soldier who is frequently misunderstood because he's not white. He is a sadomasochist. He has a long lost love that he helped escape from execution, after he tortures her for a while. He has a new flame for Shannon, because she's tortured (emotionally). He's also befriended the crazy Frenchwoman because she tortured him. Also he agrees to torture Sawyer and Locke for information. He can fix or create anything electronic, but he can't do much with it once he does. He sold out his former friend who was so psychologically tortured that he killed himself, because Sayid wouldn't kill himself with him. Eeeexactly.

Prediction: Convinces Shannon to torture him. Tortures himself after she dies. Gets left behind because of all the torture.

My son has the same look when he finds his toes

John Locke (Prof. X) - DON'T TELL HIM WHAT HE CAN'T DO! Was in a wheelchair at one point, but doesn't need it on the island, unless he does. Got conned out of a kidney by his parents? Apparently wins at Survivor. Also knows everything about everyone whenever he wants. He's able to cure any problem anyone has. Only see him afraid once, when he runs into the T-Rex at the end of the season. He promptly gets over it and wants to hang out with it until Dr. J pulls him away. He's obsessed with The Hatch, and thinks the Island has a plan for everything, including potentially killing everyone.

Prediction: Finds Magneto, summons the X-Men, and makes the next 5 seasons even more awesome.

Serious Prediction: Progressively becomes the religious side of the "faith vs science" fight to explain and solve the island, that will eventually split the cast in two for a season. Then he'll somehow die to save everyone else, converting Dr. J to the religion side of the fight.

Dude, this as close to a suit as he's gonna get

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes (Hurley) - Dude. Hurley is a big kid, who discovered The Numbers. He used them to win the lottery, and then he's brought only "bad luck" to everyone he's near. By bad luck, I mean a literal touch of death. He believes the plane crashed because of this. I don't necessarily disagree. Discovers The Numbers on the side of The Hatch. Also discovers that Kate's bounty was $23,000, so somehow that's cursed. Is abundantly loveable at all times, except when he's extremely Numbers crazy.

Prediction:  Hurley is Mr. Snuffleupagus.

This episode of Lost was brought to you by the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and by the letter 42

"I made this, because I'm the only one who doesn't like it here."

Michael Dawson (Bad Dad) - On top of being the only non-white aside from Sayid, he's also the dad of Walter "Walt", and the only one with an actual attempt to be rescued. If there was any main character marked for death, it's this guy.

Prediction: Dooooooooooomed. He dies heroically saving Walt, leaving him with some cliche'd proverb like "Always look both ways Walt! It'll be okay!", while flying the only plane on the Island into the secret military base of zombies, saving everyone, but keeping them trapped on the Island for another 2 seasons.

It's a comb...right Dad?

Walter "Walt" (The Shining) - Walt is an obnoxious pain in the ass with completely random Shining powers, and the future-telling comic book from Heroes. He's super spiteful because he was abandoned, doesn't believe that Bad Dad is his father, is trapped on an Island with a dog and no kids, and no one thinks he can do anything. And that's with good reason - IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A KID! He's also kidnapped by what we assume are The Others. Good. Stay there. Except this allows him to randomly haunt people just to make even more no sense.

Prediction: I don't like the kid, but he's the mystical macguffin in the cast (as opposed to every other plot item?) so he'll live as long as there's no plot. I think he'll basically become a talking detour sign plastered over all the plot holes, and then turn out to be an alien or something.

And we're back to the suits

Jin Kwon (Hawaii Five-O) - Is he in the mafia? Is he not? I thought we'd be debating this for seasons, but they made it very simple, he's not. Also, they're teaching him English, so he'll be fluent in...a week? He's having a trial separation from his wife currently, because he got on the raft off the island without her. Because...drama?

She has this look for most of the season

Sun Kwon (Mrs. Five-O) - Mrs. Five-O's big secret is that she speaks English. oooOOOOooo. Is there a secret love triangle with Bad Dad? Not unless it's convenient. They really don't give her much to work with, and whenever they spend time on her and HFO's past, they make sure to counter it by not showing either of them for 3 episodes.

Prediction: They both ironically die saving each other.

No clue what she's resting her hand on

Claire (Doesn'tGetPregnancy/Parenting Girl) - Is the only "native" from Australia, though the accent wanders around from time to time. Really doesn't get being pregnant. Went through a lot and then had the kid. Now she really doesn't get parenting. Of course, she has 39 other random strangers to tell her how to "not shake baby" and "keep baby fed". But they insist on diapers, which is mind-blowingly wasteful. I'm certain her baby will get stolen at least once next season.

Prediction: It turns out that the baby...IS HER!!!

Covered in BEEEEEEEEES

Charlie (Noel Underhill) -The on again/off again drug addict bass player loves him some DGPG and the baby. He'll do anything for them, including randomly getting hung to death and brought back to life. A fun guy to have around, because he adds to whatever scenes he's in. It'll be sad when he dies again.

Prediction: Spends two or three seasons randomly dying and doing drugs. I'm betting he does drugs and almost dies, Claire leaves him for almost dying, then he goes off and dies trying to save her to win her back, but he's dead. Yea, dead.

Final Thoughts

LOST has the problem of being all too interesting to ignore, and all too insanely stupid to follow. I can't imagine how this lasted from season to season, but I'm also retroactively not surprised it was such a big deal. I still think this is all some dream, but I could definitely see a Truman Show style ending for Dr. J. In fact, I'd be OK with that. I guess we'll find out.

24 down, 93 to go!

Star Trek: Into Darkness

 Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - Star Trek: Into Darkness

I have to admit, I really wanted to see this in the theater. I had a better offer (birth of my son), so it didn't really work out. I had been waiting for this to hit DVDs because I enjoyed Abrams' reboot. It put the world through a plausible sci-fi reset button that allowed for a mountain of potential fan service, while still providing room to re-interpret and make changes to the source material. Pine was a believable Young Kirk. Quinto did a great Spock impression. Urban was Bones, and fantastic.

Then they announced and started advertising the sequel. It included Benedict "Sherlock" Cumberbatch as a mysterious villain, possibly with super powers! It had enough bits and pieces of what looked to be a great action movie, but stayed vague enough to let the fanboys speculate wildly. And we did! I was convinced this was going to be a remake of the first Star Trek episode "Where no man has gone before", which is a fantastic idea! Reboot the universe? Start the sequel with the first episode retold, but with J.J. Abrams' personal style of one-upsmanship? Get a British accent leading villain that can play calmly devastating? YES! SIGN ME UP TWICE!

Then the rumor mill started trying to spin Cumberbatch as Khan. The Khan from The Wrath Of Khan. The movie that resulted in this piece of film history:

 

I didn't want to believe it. The blond girl in the trailer had the same haircut as the blond girl from the episode. Super powers seem to be happening in the trailer. They easily could've been found in deep space (another piece of info that was floating around) I wasn't so much worried about the idea of rebooting Khaaaaaan, I just wanted to win at nerd guessing.

The movie came and went. It sounded like it did well from a money and hype standpoint. Fast forward to this week. My Bengals beat the Steelers for just the second time since I've been married, and I have the movie on a one night rental. I am already in a great mood and figured Star Trek: Into Darkness would be the icing on the cake. I was wrong.

Star Trek: Into Darkness takes place in the future after the first movie's future, but not by much. Our heroes open the movie by running away from a volcano, nearly killing Spock, ruining a civilization, and swimming faster than sharks somehow. Writing it out here, I feel like it should've been more exciting. I expected Abrams to one-up the volcano to be the planet splitting in half, and then re-one-up himself by making the solar system about to explode. When this didn't happen, I took it as a warning sign.

Warning sign number 2 was the need to constantly re-introduce the location via caption in any scenery set up shot. They start with a random looking stardate, and then realize only the super nerds know what that is and cut it down to just location. We should be able to recognize the location based on the environment and camera work if the location matters. Or, in this case, the specific location truly has no impact. Why did it have to be London, and why did we need to be reminded, save for maybe a clause in Sherlock's contract?

Maybe he really hates London, but no one believes him for some strange, hypnotic reason.

Warning sign number 3 was the extremely heavy handed nature of every shot and piece of dialogue. Every thing that happens in this movie is told or shown minutes before it happens. For example: Admiral Pike (whom everyone seems fine just calling Chris), is given command of the Enterprise shortly after Kirk is removed for being too heroic. Pike asks Kirk to be his First Officer and then they are both called to an emergency meeting. He might as well have said "I want you to replace me when I'm gone and this father figure metaphor is wrapped up, son. Now excuse me while I put on this red shirt."

Into Darkness might have been a step up. It might have been the other half of a cornerstone franchise reboot that brought the newest generations years of sci-fi imagination, TV shows, and a returned a common and public touchstone in nerd culture to prominence, for hardcore nerds to love and norms to mock alike. Sadly, even the title doesn't make any sense.

Into Darkness could have meant the journey into deep space, trying to make discoveries in the vast emptiness of the universe. We are off Earth and the ship for maybe 15 minutes total throughout the movie. We discover nothing new.

Into Darkness could have meant the journey into the depths of human emotion. A great battle of the inner conflict between good and evil, right and wrong, Into Darkness could have been alluding to a decent into madness to combat an unstoppable madman in Khan. Khan is barely present. Character development is (nearly) entirely absent across the entire cast. When there is any development, it's done from two places. The first is Spock reading his emotions out loud, so that we can understand them. The second is Kirk reading what just happened out loud, and then giving the audience a line or two of far too cheeky insight, as if the writers were sitting on either side of you saying "Did we really just make that character say that?" "Yes we did!" and high-fiving over your popcorn.

Let's make the red shirt thing a joke while we're at it!

Maybe Into Darkness was in reference to all the plot points  that were dropped, as if into a black hole? Why does Khan have the ability to teleport across the galaxy with technology that is apparently secret government research, and why aren't we using it more? No one knows or cares by the next scene change. Or how about Khan's super blood that brings people back from the near-dead? We've apparently just cured all diseases in humans and tribbles, assuming anyone remembers.

What Into Darkness probably meant was in regards to the damage it was trying to do to your retinas via the barrage of BLINDING LENS FLARES throughout the entire movie. Do you remember when you discovered the sepia tone filter on Photoshop, and suddenly the next 300 pictures you had on your PC needed to be olde-timey? Abrams found the LENS FLARE filter. There's LENS FLARE on objects that don't have eve a LIGHT SOURCE TO FLARE. Here are my notes from the last sequence of shots:

LENS FLARE STORAGE FACILITY

Those words aren't the captains oath. It doesn't vow anything. If that is the oath, it's stupid.
LENS FLARE CAPTAIN CHAIR LENS FLARE SCOTTY LENS FLARE BLOND LENS FLARE BRIDGE

LENS FLARE LENSFLARE CREDITS.

He interrupted a lens flare with another lens flare and then the credits rolled.

A sad day for "Pimp My Movie"

I was stunned by how much the female characters were reduced to irrelevancy. Uhura is around just enough to act tough, and then need to be rescued and forgotten. The blond daughter of the other admiral is brought in for really, only one scene, in which she is in her underwear, flexing and saying "don't look!" There was no reason for this to happen. She just starts stripping, so she can...get into her planet gear? Look, she earned that shot and clearly put in a lot of work, so kudos to her. But this was shoehorned in, much like her entire character.

Even with all the negatives, there are some redeeming qualities. There are some good one-liners, particularly from Urban as Bones. The music is surprisingly well put together, considering the visuals were not. Several of the knowing winks made me grin, and I was comfortable with the (extremely predictable) choice to flip that classic "Kirk/Spock separated by glass" scene around. I think it worked at least as well as the movie itself.

I understand there is a fair amount of nerdrage from all of the hat-tips to (and changes from) the source material. For the most part, I'd say "get over it, nerd". Instead, be mad at how poorly it was done. Khan doesn't mean anything to the last twenty years of new Trekkies, so when Sherlock announces himself gravely as "Khannnnnn", no one cares. Abrams then has to break his own Timecop-esque rules and have Leonard Nemoy show up to try and make it mean anything.

In summary, Star Trek: Into Darkness is a slapdash collection of pre-boot Trek iconography held together by an abundance of lens flare and a quick pace unhindered by plot or character development. It almost does a handful of things well. The actors tried their best with what they were given. Into Darkness was at best meaningless and at worst disappointing nonsense. Clearly, Abrams either didn't care about this movie, or he tried to hold on to and fit too many things into it. What worries me the most is the more Abrams tightened his grip, the more this movie slipped through his fingers. I hope he's learned his lesson.

He's thinking about how bright the lens flare will be when Abrams blows up Endor

Olympus Has Fallen

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - Olympus Has Fallen

This is another attempt to have Gerard Butler out manly-man everything in existence. In this version, Butler is here to out testosterone Aaron Eckhart as the President, and all of the apparently terrifying unknown that is Korea.

The movie opens with Butler and Eckhart boxing in the basement, and then *surprise!* Eckhart is the President, and Butler is his personal bodyguard in the Secret Service. In the first 180 seconds, we now know the following:

1) Eckhart can take a punch from a man with 2 inches and at least 40 pounds advantage, and not have a scratch to show for it

2) Butler is paid to protect the President. He seems to enjoy being bad at his job

3) They're super friends

Also, we meet the spunky First Kid, and the First Lady. Everyone is happy and nothing could possibly go wrong.

After things go predictably wrong, we skip ahead 18 months! Why? Who cares! Our Hero (Butler) has been reassigned to filing paperwork, and the President is about to solve the Korean dispute with his jawline.

"The only place that should have a dividing line is the cleft in my chin"

Also, Butler has a wife for absolutely no reason. Wait, I lied - she's there to have less screen time than the Speaker of the House Morgan Freeman. Yes, Morgan Freeman is not the President...yet?

You now know as much as this movie is going to tell you. Director Antoine Fuqua (most notably - Training Day, less notably - Shooter) typically likes to try and blur the line between good and evil, building it around 1 hero to show us a true paragon. One of the main conflicts he places in front of the audiences is "will the hero stay true in a gray and confusing world?". He also resolves said conflicts with "The world wasn't actually gray. These were the bad guys and they are now dead with bullets." I wonder if he just wanted a break from intrigue and plot sense build up, and just needed to blow things up with Olympus Has Fallen, because it sure felt that way.

The real action for this movie starts with an unidentified aircraft flying in to D.C. airspace, which then starts flying around and murdering everything and everyone. I mean all of them. With large caliber bullets. This leads to a terrorist attack that effectively murders everyone in a suit that isn't in the Oval Office on their way to the super secure bunker. Fortunately, our hero is too manly to worry about this, and he doesn't get anything more than grease paint on his face as he fights his way through a platoon of automatic weapons and RPGs.

Almost unbelievably, he does it without the beard.

Maybe I'm just too patriotic, but I had a hard time believing this would even remotely work. If I learned one thing from my 8th grade class trip to Washington D.C., it was that there is more than just 1 SAM battery monitoring this airspace for just this reason.

That and long bus rides are going to burn out your Discman's anti-skip function.

Once I got passed that, I again had a hard time believing anything else that went on. Without giving "everything" away, one of the ticking clock aspects of this movie is the top secret computer code to all of the nuclear weapons. Obviously, that's a bad thing for terrorists to have. Fate of the world level stuff going on here. And the only thing standing between the terrorists and the code is Eckhart, (Oscar winner)Melissa Leo, and a third person with his part of the code.

AND ECKHART KEEPS GIVING AWAY THEIR CODES! "Don't worry, they'll never get my code." is said a dozen times by Eckhart. These people are openly willing to die to protect this thing, and Eckhart keeps ordering them to give it up. And they listen! What's the point of having the ultimate code divided up to 3 individuals, if the other 2 are just going to give it up because one of them said so?

What if he was secretly Two-Face?

And that's when it hit me. Why am I asking questions for this movie? Gerard Butler is single-handedly dispensing vengeful murder to everything that is over the age of 12 and living. Isn't that what I paid for? Why does it matter that he can do anything he wants to the bad guys access, but the Pentagon can't? Why should I worry that he knows about the only air vent that wasn't sealed, even though they make a point to mention that all the air vents are closed? Why shouldn't he be able to place a headshot through everyone, even behind his back through a wall as he runs away?

If the First Kid is critical to get Eckhart to talk, why aren't they checking behind the walls instead of shooting through them? Did we really need (Oscar almost winner)Angela Bassett in this movie next to (Oscar winner)Morgan Freeman for what must have amounted to a long half day shoot? If the bad guys have what looks to be something hacking a code, why do they need anyone's code? Did anyone else notice that Butler went 1 for the 39 in protecting the President from bodily harm?

If we know about all of the access points that have ever existed to the White House bunker, shouldn't we be doing something about it? What would happen if the old admiral forgot a letter to the ultimate code? How many attempts do we get before we're locked out?  If the bad guys are in a bunker cut off from the rest of the world, how would they know their demands are being met?

There were at least another 80 questions I asked or wanted to ask, but I didn't. I stopped and told my brain to take a breather. Then I realized, I had fun with this movie. It's largely derivative from the best pieces of Action Movie Lore, and slapped together in ways that don't give your brain the option to make any sense of where you are, why this is happening, or what's going on aside from Gerard Butler's chest hair deciding the fate of the free world. Do yourself a favor. Don't ask any questions of this movie or the plot. The only answer you might get is a head shot or an F word thrown at you.

G.I.Joe: Retaliation

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - G.I. Joe Retaliation

I had such high hopes for this movie. I understand that this does not speak highly of my tastes, but hear me out. The first G.I. Joe movie (subtitled The Rise of Cobra) was wonderfully tragic. It's a masterpiece of Stephen Sommers style of directing known as the, "Stop asking questions. I did a while ago, and I'm directing" technique. I believe that movies can be made purely to be entertaining, and that we don't need a world of deep artistic revelations, or cutting introspectives on life. That's why I love the a movie that decides what it wants to be from the get-go. The first G.I. Joe was one of these movies.

It had a Wayans brother. It had a pre-popularity Channing Tatum. It inspired Michael Bay to replace Megan Fox with a Victoria's Secret model by having one first. It had Christopher Eccleston as a villain because he should always be a villain.

I don't know any Whovians that defend the Eccleston Doctor season. BECAUSE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE BAD GUY

It had crazy impossible science fiction, like face changing nano-robots and a roaming death cloud of all consuming "nanites". Power suits that made a Wayans brother keep up with a young Channing Tatum and missiles. MISSILES! And all the fan service you can buy without having appropriate colored laser battles.

It's not a good film, but it is a fun ride. Just sit back and let it happen and eat popcorn and let your brain unwind a little. It's tired of you too.

Still, this level of great-yet-terribleness is difficult to repeat. In fact, Sommers is one of the few people to pull it off (The Mummy series) So when they announced a sequel and he wasn't attached? I was sure we were headed for a train wreck. Then they put this trailer together. I was ready to believe.

The first movie had just 2 ninjas. This one has a FREAKING MOUNTAIN FULL OF THEM!

The first movie had Channing Tatum. This one ALSO HAS THE FREAKING ROCK!

The first movie had the Eiffel Tower melting. This one has FREAKING LONDON GETTING FLATTENED FROM SPACE!

The first movie had helicopters exploding vehicles. This one ALSO DOES THAT!

The first movie had Dennis Quaid. This one has BRUCE FREAKING WILLIS AND THE FREAKING ROCK!
The first movie had dialogue. This one has NOTHING BUT ONE-LINERS! AND BONUS JABS AT NORTH KOREA!

This should have been 122 minutes of relentless, over-the-top, nonsensical action. Exposition should have competed with explosions for total screen time. Blue and red lasers should have been so superfluous they would have had to build in a seizure prevention intermission. Instead, we got this turd.

I can pinpoint the exact moment when Retaliation completely ruined everything.

It wasn't the attempt at a quick recap of the previous story, even though it was completely unnecessary and slightly confusing.

It wasn't when they removed Destro, Cobra Commander, and Zartan from the villainous spotlight. Seriously, the villain in this is the actor playing the president. The other's total combined screen time is less than the RZA, so they don't count.

Johnathan Pryce gets second billing ahead of Bruce Willis and Channing Tatum in an action movie. That's not what ruined it.

It wasn't when they shoehorned Bruce Willis into the film. You can even see it in the trailer, he's green screened in a truck instead of doing anything that would require a second take or a stunt double.

It wasn't when they introduced a slew of Joes that we didn't know, and only 1 new villain in "Firefly". Also, it wasn't when they paired up The Rock against Firefly instead of someone physically intimidating.

It wasn't when they started rattling off things that sounded like fan service in passing dialogue, and never show any of it.

It wasn't when they decided that the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow dynamic needed further exploration, so they hired Wu-Tang Clan's kung fu fanatic The RZA to be the new ninja master. This was a good choice, but it's not enough to make up for the decision of making up a twist to the back story in the first place. Not including the RZA in the soundtrack was a bad choice, but that didn't ruin the movie either.

I almost asked why he was in it, and then I came to my senses. Why wouldn't he be in this? Did you see The Man with the Iron Fists? Go do that instead of Retaliation

It wasn't the incredibly boring amount of political warfare that was happening. This could have been called G.I. Joe: Referendum with the amount of time talking about the plots to control the world through politics around nuclear disarmament.

It wasn't the way the evil plan is executed, which when it happens, probably should have wiped out all life on Earth on its own.

It was when they made one horrible decision that killed everything in this movie. 

I'd call it a spoiler, but it was the reason they pushed back the release of this movie, and it was discussed publicly at the time. Still...

You're warned I guess?

It was when they killed everything from the first movie. Seriously. Everything they brought over from the first movie dies in a fire. Take a closer look at the poster. Notice what's missing?

Johnathan Pryce?

It's everyone except Ray Park as Snake Eyes (the all black ninja in the corner), and Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow (the white ninja at the top). The entire original cast, plot, relationships, inside jokes, technology, threats - all of it - gone before the first 25 minutes are finished. I can't name anything that has killed off 99% of the cast and characters from one issue to the next and retained viewers.

OK, maybe this one. But only a little because they keep the same main characters.

I was shocked because they had so much source material from the first movie to call back to, and they got rid of all of it. They couldn't even get Tatum to play his own corpse, which made me think he might not actually be dead. That was, until The Rock dumped out a backpack full of more dog-tags than there were people in the movie, and Bruce Willis picked Duke's out on the first shot.

And it was such a waste! The Rock and Tatum had such great on screen chemistry. They had a banter that made you buy in to their friendship outside of "work". Did no one watch the dailies with the two of them? Who made the call to say "Yeah.....nah. We don't want that anymore."

Enough with the pining for a disastrous action movie that didn't happen. This movie committed the worst offense a movie can make. It was boring. It is poorly held together by the gravity caused by the massive plot holes. The impending threat to the world's safety is only brought out in the closing 15 minutes. For all we can tell, the biggest threat is a shiny briefcase with the COBRA logo. I felt more intensity from listening to the dial up connection in WarGames than the whole of this movie.

Don't see this movie. Not even to get that "train-wreck" aspect. Retaliation will only disappoint you. They should have kept delaying the release of this until a few hours after the end of time. Now you know.