Lost Season 1 Recap - the whole darn thing.

**Ed. note - This has been a running draft at random points over the past 9 weeks. It may even include some accidental references to parts in Season 2, but I think I cleaned up this hack's work pretty well. As for the random jumping nature of the narrative, tough luck. Lastly, there was a heated debate as to whether or not this should be split into multiple posts. That debate was ended when I decided it would be too much work and only crazy people would be reading past this note.

LOST Season 1: Complete!

After a more than brief hiatus, (did you know newborns are a lot of work?) I'm back with a vengeance! And I did it! I have made it through Season 1 of this fever dream of a show. I am disappointed. And hooked, at least a bit.

Season 1, when broken out by Netflix, is 24 episodes. My last post was around halfway through the season. Somewhere in there, they lost (heh) the plot. I would have given up on this show somewhere around episode 15 if it were on only once a week. They managed to provide a back story (with a twist!) for all of our heroes. Then they provided a second view on most of our heroes (with a bonus twist!) This was nearly 3 season's worth of character histories and twists, and NO PLOT!

The name of the show is LOST. If you are LOST, you try and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. The writers seem to have forgotten about that for a dozen episodes. 1 person, just 1, gets the idea to build a raft and try and go somewhere. After Sayid's attempts to figure out a radio failed, everyone just kind of settled in forever? Come on. They make a point to say there are 40 people on the island, and 30 of them are just glad to finally get a vacation?

Once I got past that, I realized they were busy introducing another 11 possible plot elements. There's enough here to make no sense for a long time. So, before I get in to Season 2, I'm going to break down everything I've learned so far, and then make my best possible predictions. Ready? Go.

In a suit, no less

"Plot" Elements

• There was a plane crash, with at least 40 survivors
• There could be more from the back half of the plane. We stopped caring about that around episode 7. Surely they'll show up in a few episodes.
• There are other people/things already on the island.
• One is a psychoFrenchlady - Danielle Rousseau
• There "The Others", who don't really get introduced until the closing episodes. They may be smoke monsters. They may be hobo pirates. We don't really know.
• There is an invisible T-Rex/"Security System"
• Also the occasional polar bear.
• There is a series of Numbers that might start tying everything together, or might just be messing with people.
• 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. We know that they all flew on flight 815 from gate 23.
• There is a Hatch with no handles. It might be something more than increasingly frustrating for Locke.
• The Black Rock is actually a ship (ok, I liked this one). The Black Smoke Pillar is actually just a torch (this was extra dumb).

Main Characters

In a suit, no less

Jack Shepard (Dr. J) - He was a surgeon, and now he's the leader. Has a problem "letting go", especially of people dying. Had an alcoholic Dr. Dad who apparently ruined Jack's life a few times. Jack was married to a former patient, but now he's not. Likes Kate, dislikes Sawyer. Is willing to do whatever he thinks is necessary to have things go his way. Definitely straddles the sanity line, but only if he's the focus of that part of the story.

Prediction: This is all a dream of his, and he's a patient in a rubber room in a psych ward.

Thankfully, not in a suit

Kate Austen (The Hot one) - Kate was apparently a master criminal who's just misunderstood (by the laws she's breaking). Her contract has some reason to get her down to her underpants at least once out of every 8 episodes. She had a boyfriend that she used (and shot) to get something from an old boyfriend that she used (and got shot). She's willing to use just about anyone and anything to get what she wants, but she's also kind of a good person? She had a sick mother who was terrified of her for some reason. We really don't know what Kate wants out of life (except to be free!)

Prediction: We find out she's an adrenaline junkie who hung out with the wrong crowd in high school, stole a pack of smokes one day, and became a fugitive of escalating crimes until she crash landed on the Island. Basically, LOST is 1 big PSA against petty larceny.

Too smooth to not be in a suit

James "Sawyer" Ford (Man Purse) - An ornery Tennessean con man who's just misunderstood. Wants revenge on the con man that caused his dad to kill his mom (and then himself). Has already killed one guy under the wrong pretenses. Hates the T-1000 that set him up to do that.

He was trying to con him into killing Sarah Connor

Sawyer apparently scavenged everything off of the plane that people would want or need at a moment's notice. Is a nice guy at heart. Met Jack's Dad, and shared his Redemption Song (which he sings on the raft). Also, the glasses Sayid made for him are fantastic and underutilized. 

Prediction: We find out he's the con man that conned his dad by conning his mom, and that his real name is Oedipus.

The only time he isn't made to look like a grungy bad guy

Sayid...something. (Sayid) - The Iraqi ex-Soldier who is frequently misunderstood because he's not white. He is a sadomasochist. He has a long lost love that he helped escape from execution, after he tortures her for a while. He has a new flame for Shannon, because she's tortured (emotionally). He's also befriended the crazy Frenchwoman because she tortured him. Also he agrees to torture Sawyer and Locke for information. He can fix or create anything electronic, but he can't do much with it once he does. He sold out his former friend who was so psychologically tortured that he killed himself, because Sayid wouldn't kill himself with him. Eeeexactly.

Prediction: Convinces Shannon to torture him. Tortures himself after she dies. Gets left behind because of all the torture.

My son has the same look when he finds his toes

John Locke (Prof. X) - DON'T TELL HIM WHAT HE CAN'T DO! Was in a wheelchair at one point, but doesn't need it on the island, unless he does. Got conned out of a kidney by his parents? Apparently wins at Survivor. Also knows everything about everyone whenever he wants. He's able to cure any problem anyone has. Only see him afraid once, when he runs into the T-Rex at the end of the season. He promptly gets over it and wants to hang out with it until Dr. J pulls him away. He's obsessed with The Hatch, and thinks the Island has a plan for everything, including potentially killing everyone.

Prediction: Finds Magneto, summons the X-Men, and makes the next 5 seasons even more awesome.

Serious Prediction: Progressively becomes the religious side of the "faith vs science" fight to explain and solve the island, that will eventually split the cast in two for a season. Then he'll somehow die to save everyone else, converting Dr. J to the religion side of the fight.

Dude, this as close to a suit as he's gonna get

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes (Hurley) - Dude. Hurley is a big kid, who discovered The Numbers. He used them to win the lottery, and then he's brought only "bad luck" to everyone he's near. By bad luck, I mean a literal touch of death. He believes the plane crashed because of this. I don't necessarily disagree. Discovers The Numbers on the side of The Hatch. Also discovers that Kate's bounty was $23,000, so somehow that's cursed. Is abundantly loveable at all times, except when he's extremely Numbers crazy.

Prediction:  Hurley is Mr. Snuffleupagus.

This episode of Lost was brought to you by the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and by the letter 42

"I made this, because I'm the only one who doesn't like it here."

Michael Dawson (Bad Dad) - On top of being the only non-white aside from Sayid, he's also the dad of Walter "Walt", and the only one with an actual attempt to be rescued. If there was any main character marked for death, it's this guy.

Prediction: Dooooooooooomed. He dies heroically saving Walt, leaving him with some cliche'd proverb like "Always look both ways Walt! It'll be okay!", while flying the only plane on the Island into the secret military base of zombies, saving everyone, but keeping them trapped on the Island for another 2 seasons.

It's a comb...right Dad?

Walter "Walt" (The Shining) - Walt is an obnoxious pain in the ass with completely random Shining powers, and the future-telling comic book from Heroes. He's super spiteful because he was abandoned, doesn't believe that Bad Dad is his father, is trapped on an Island with a dog and no kids, and no one thinks he can do anything. And that's with good reason - IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A KID! He's also kidnapped by what we assume are The Others. Good. Stay there. Except this allows him to randomly haunt people just to make even more no sense.

Prediction: I don't like the kid, but he's the mystical macguffin in the cast (as opposed to every other plot item?) so he'll live as long as there's no plot. I think he'll basically become a talking detour sign plastered over all the plot holes, and then turn out to be an alien or something.

And we're back to the suits

Jin Kwon (Hawaii Five-O) - Is he in the mafia? Is he not? I thought we'd be debating this for seasons, but they made it very simple, he's not. Also, they're teaching him English, so he'll be fluent in...a week? He's having a trial separation from his wife currently, because he got on the raft off the island without her. Because...drama?

She has this look for most of the season

Sun Kwon (Mrs. Five-O) - Mrs. Five-O's big secret is that she speaks English. oooOOOOooo. Is there a secret love triangle with Bad Dad? Not unless it's convenient. They really don't give her much to work with, and whenever they spend time on her and HFO's past, they make sure to counter it by not showing either of them for 3 episodes.

Prediction: They both ironically die saving each other.

No clue what she's resting her hand on

Claire (Doesn'tGetPregnancy/Parenting Girl) - Is the only "native" from Australia, though the accent wanders around from time to time. Really doesn't get being pregnant. Went through a lot and then had the kid. Now she really doesn't get parenting. Of course, she has 39 other random strangers to tell her how to "not shake baby" and "keep baby fed". But they insist on diapers, which is mind-blowingly wasteful. I'm certain her baby will get stolen at least once next season.

Prediction: It turns out that the baby...IS HER!!!

Covered in BEEEEEEEEES

Charlie (Noel Underhill) -The on again/off again drug addict bass player loves him some DGPG and the baby. He'll do anything for them, including randomly getting hung to death and brought back to life. A fun guy to have around, because he adds to whatever scenes he's in. It'll be sad when he dies again.

Prediction: Spends two or three seasons randomly dying and doing drugs. I'm betting he does drugs and almost dies, Claire leaves him for almost dying, then he goes off and dies trying to save her to win her back, but he's dead. Yea, dead.

Final Thoughts

LOST has the problem of being all too interesting to ignore, and all too insanely stupid to follow. I can't imagine how this lasted from season to season, but I'm also retroactively not surprised it was such a big deal. I still think this is all some dream, but I could definitely see a Truman Show style ending for Dr. J. In fact, I'd be OK with that. I guess we'll find out.

24 down, 93 to go!

Star Trek: Into Darkness

 Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - Star Trek: Into Darkness

I have to admit, I really wanted to see this in the theater. I had a better offer (birth of my son), so it didn't really work out. I had been waiting for this to hit DVDs because I enjoyed Abrams' reboot. It put the world through a plausible sci-fi reset button that allowed for a mountain of potential fan service, while still providing room to re-interpret and make changes to the source material. Pine was a believable Young Kirk. Quinto did a great Spock impression. Urban was Bones, and fantastic.

Then they announced and started advertising the sequel. It included Benedict "Sherlock" Cumberbatch as a mysterious villain, possibly with super powers! It had enough bits and pieces of what looked to be a great action movie, but stayed vague enough to let the fanboys speculate wildly. And we did! I was convinced this was going to be a remake of the first Star Trek episode "Where no man has gone before", which is a fantastic idea! Reboot the universe? Start the sequel with the first episode retold, but with J.J. Abrams' personal style of one-upsmanship? Get a British accent leading villain that can play calmly devastating? YES! SIGN ME UP TWICE!

Then the rumor mill started trying to spin Cumberbatch as Khan. The Khan from The Wrath Of Khan. The movie that resulted in this piece of film history:

 

I didn't want to believe it. The blond girl in the trailer had the same haircut as the blond girl from the episode. Super powers seem to be happening in the trailer. They easily could've been found in deep space (another piece of info that was floating around) I wasn't so much worried about the idea of rebooting Khaaaaaan, I just wanted to win at nerd guessing.

The movie came and went. It sounded like it did well from a money and hype standpoint. Fast forward to this week. My Bengals beat the Steelers for just the second time since I've been married, and I have the movie on a one night rental. I am already in a great mood and figured Star Trek: Into Darkness would be the icing on the cake. I was wrong.

Star Trek: Into Darkness takes place in the future after the first movie's future, but not by much. Our heroes open the movie by running away from a volcano, nearly killing Spock, ruining a civilization, and swimming faster than sharks somehow. Writing it out here, I feel like it should've been more exciting. I expected Abrams to one-up the volcano to be the planet splitting in half, and then re-one-up himself by making the solar system about to explode. When this didn't happen, I took it as a warning sign.

Warning sign number 2 was the need to constantly re-introduce the location via caption in any scenery set up shot. They start with a random looking stardate, and then realize only the super nerds know what that is and cut it down to just location. We should be able to recognize the location based on the environment and camera work if the location matters. Or, in this case, the specific location truly has no impact. Why did it have to be London, and why did we need to be reminded, save for maybe a clause in Sherlock's contract?

Maybe he really hates London, but no one believes him for some strange, hypnotic reason.

Warning sign number 3 was the extremely heavy handed nature of every shot and piece of dialogue. Every thing that happens in this movie is told or shown minutes before it happens. For example: Admiral Pike (whom everyone seems fine just calling Chris), is given command of the Enterprise shortly after Kirk is removed for being too heroic. Pike asks Kirk to be his First Officer and then they are both called to an emergency meeting. He might as well have said "I want you to replace me when I'm gone and this father figure metaphor is wrapped up, son. Now excuse me while I put on this red shirt."

Into Darkness might have been a step up. It might have been the other half of a cornerstone franchise reboot that brought the newest generations years of sci-fi imagination, TV shows, and a returned a common and public touchstone in nerd culture to prominence, for hardcore nerds to love and norms to mock alike. Sadly, even the title doesn't make any sense.

Into Darkness could have meant the journey into deep space, trying to make discoveries in the vast emptiness of the universe. We are off Earth and the ship for maybe 15 minutes total throughout the movie. We discover nothing new.

Into Darkness could have meant the journey into the depths of human emotion. A great battle of the inner conflict between good and evil, right and wrong, Into Darkness could have been alluding to a decent into madness to combat an unstoppable madman in Khan. Khan is barely present. Character development is (nearly) entirely absent across the entire cast. When there is any development, it's done from two places. The first is Spock reading his emotions out loud, so that we can understand them. The second is Kirk reading what just happened out loud, and then giving the audience a line or two of far too cheeky insight, as if the writers were sitting on either side of you saying "Did we really just make that character say that?" "Yes we did!" and high-fiving over your popcorn.

Let's make the red shirt thing a joke while we're at it!

Maybe Into Darkness was in reference to all the plot points  that were dropped, as if into a black hole? Why does Khan have the ability to teleport across the galaxy with technology that is apparently secret government research, and why aren't we using it more? No one knows or cares by the next scene change. Or how about Khan's super blood that brings people back from the near-dead? We've apparently just cured all diseases in humans and tribbles, assuming anyone remembers.

What Into Darkness probably meant was in regards to the damage it was trying to do to your retinas via the barrage of BLINDING LENS FLARES throughout the entire movie. Do you remember when you discovered the sepia tone filter on Photoshop, and suddenly the next 300 pictures you had on your PC needed to be olde-timey? Abrams found the LENS FLARE filter. There's LENS FLARE on objects that don't have eve a LIGHT SOURCE TO FLARE. Here are my notes from the last sequence of shots:

LENS FLARE STORAGE FACILITY

Those words aren't the captains oath. It doesn't vow anything. If that is the oath, it's stupid.
LENS FLARE CAPTAIN CHAIR LENS FLARE SCOTTY LENS FLARE BLOND LENS FLARE BRIDGE

LENS FLARE LENSFLARE CREDITS.

He interrupted a lens flare with another lens flare and then the credits rolled.

A sad day for "Pimp My Movie"

I was stunned by how much the female characters were reduced to irrelevancy. Uhura is around just enough to act tough, and then need to be rescued and forgotten. The blond daughter of the other admiral is brought in for really, only one scene, in which she is in her underwear, flexing and saying "don't look!" There was no reason for this to happen. She just starts stripping, so she can...get into her planet gear? Look, she earned that shot and clearly put in a lot of work, so kudos to her. But this was shoehorned in, much like her entire character.

Even with all the negatives, there are some redeeming qualities. There are some good one-liners, particularly from Urban as Bones. The music is surprisingly well put together, considering the visuals were not. Several of the knowing winks made me grin, and I was comfortable with the (extremely predictable) choice to flip that classic "Kirk/Spock separated by glass" scene around. I think it worked at least as well as the movie itself.

I understand there is a fair amount of nerdrage from all of the hat-tips to (and changes from) the source material. For the most part, I'd say "get over it, nerd". Instead, be mad at how poorly it was done. Khan doesn't mean anything to the last twenty years of new Trekkies, so when Sherlock announces himself gravely as "Khannnnnn", no one cares. Abrams then has to break his own Timecop-esque rules and have Leonard Nemoy show up to try and make it mean anything.

In summary, Star Trek: Into Darkness is a slapdash collection of pre-boot Trek iconography held together by an abundance of lens flare and a quick pace unhindered by plot or character development. It almost does a handful of things well. The actors tried their best with what they were given. Into Darkness was at best meaningless and at worst disappointing nonsense. Clearly, Abrams either didn't care about this movie, or he tried to hold on to and fit too many things into it. What worries me the most is the more Abrams tightened his grip, the more this movie slipped through his fingers. I hope he's learned his lesson.

He's thinking about how bright the lens flare will be when Abrams blows up Endor

Olympus Has Fallen

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - Olympus Has Fallen

This is another attempt to have Gerard Butler out manly-man everything in existence. In this version, Butler is here to out testosterone Aaron Eckhart as the President, and all of the apparently terrifying unknown that is Korea.

The movie opens with Butler and Eckhart boxing in the basement, and then *surprise!* Eckhart is the President, and Butler is his personal bodyguard in the Secret Service. In the first 180 seconds, we now know the following:

1) Eckhart can take a punch from a man with 2 inches and at least 40 pounds advantage, and not have a scratch to show for it

2) Butler is paid to protect the President. He seems to enjoy being bad at his job

3) They're super friends

Also, we meet the spunky First Kid, and the First Lady. Everyone is happy and nothing could possibly go wrong.

After things go predictably wrong, we skip ahead 18 months! Why? Who cares! Our Hero (Butler) has been reassigned to filing paperwork, and the President is about to solve the Korean dispute with his jawline.

"The only place that should have a dividing line is the cleft in my chin"

Also, Butler has a wife for absolutely no reason. Wait, I lied - she's there to have less screen time than the Speaker of the House Morgan Freeman. Yes, Morgan Freeman is not the President...yet?

You now know as much as this movie is going to tell you. Director Antoine Fuqua (most notably - Training Day, less notably - Shooter) typically likes to try and blur the line between good and evil, building it around 1 hero to show us a true paragon. One of the main conflicts he places in front of the audiences is "will the hero stay true in a gray and confusing world?". He also resolves said conflicts with "The world wasn't actually gray. These were the bad guys and they are now dead with bullets." I wonder if he just wanted a break from intrigue and plot sense build up, and just needed to blow things up with Olympus Has Fallen, because it sure felt that way.

The real action for this movie starts with an unidentified aircraft flying in to D.C. airspace, which then starts flying around and murdering everything and everyone. I mean all of them. With large caliber bullets. This leads to a terrorist attack that effectively murders everyone in a suit that isn't in the Oval Office on their way to the super secure bunker. Fortunately, our hero is too manly to worry about this, and he doesn't get anything more than grease paint on his face as he fights his way through a platoon of automatic weapons and RPGs.

Almost unbelievably, he does it without the beard.

Maybe I'm just too patriotic, but I had a hard time believing this would even remotely work. If I learned one thing from my 8th grade class trip to Washington D.C., it was that there is more than just 1 SAM battery monitoring this airspace for just this reason.

That and long bus rides are going to burn out your Discman's anti-skip function.

Once I got passed that, I again had a hard time believing anything else that went on. Without giving "everything" away, one of the ticking clock aspects of this movie is the top secret computer code to all of the nuclear weapons. Obviously, that's a bad thing for terrorists to have. Fate of the world level stuff going on here. And the only thing standing between the terrorists and the code is Eckhart, (Oscar winner)Melissa Leo, and a third person with his part of the code.

AND ECKHART KEEPS GIVING AWAY THEIR CODES! "Don't worry, they'll never get my code." is said a dozen times by Eckhart. These people are openly willing to die to protect this thing, and Eckhart keeps ordering them to give it up. And they listen! What's the point of having the ultimate code divided up to 3 individuals, if the other 2 are just going to give it up because one of them said so?

What if he was secretly Two-Face?

And that's when it hit me. Why am I asking questions for this movie? Gerard Butler is single-handedly dispensing vengeful murder to everything that is over the age of 12 and living. Isn't that what I paid for? Why does it matter that he can do anything he wants to the bad guys access, but the Pentagon can't? Why should I worry that he knows about the only air vent that wasn't sealed, even though they make a point to mention that all the air vents are closed? Why shouldn't he be able to place a headshot through everyone, even behind his back through a wall as he runs away?

If the First Kid is critical to get Eckhart to talk, why aren't they checking behind the walls instead of shooting through them? Did we really need (Oscar almost winner)Angela Bassett in this movie next to (Oscar winner)Morgan Freeman for what must have amounted to a long half day shoot? If the bad guys have what looks to be something hacking a code, why do they need anyone's code? Did anyone else notice that Butler went 1 for the 39 in protecting the President from bodily harm?

If we know about all of the access points that have ever existed to the White House bunker, shouldn't we be doing something about it? What would happen if the old admiral forgot a letter to the ultimate code? How many attempts do we get before we're locked out?  If the bad guys are in a bunker cut off from the rest of the world, how would they know their demands are being met?

There were at least another 80 questions I asked or wanted to ask, but I didn't. I stopped and told my brain to take a breather. Then I realized, I had fun with this movie. It's largely derivative from the best pieces of Action Movie Lore, and slapped together in ways that don't give your brain the option to make any sense of where you are, why this is happening, or what's going on aside from Gerard Butler's chest hair deciding the fate of the free world. Do yourself a favor. Don't ask any questions of this movie or the plot. The only answer you might get is a head shot or an F word thrown at you.

G.I.Joe: Retaliation

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - G.I. Joe Retaliation

I had such high hopes for this movie. I understand that this does not speak highly of my tastes, but hear me out. The first G.I. Joe movie (subtitled The Rise of Cobra) was wonderfully tragic. It's a masterpiece of Stephen Sommers style of directing known as the, "Stop asking questions. I did a while ago, and I'm directing" technique. I believe that movies can be made purely to be entertaining, and that we don't need a world of deep artistic revelations, or cutting introspectives on life. That's why I love the a movie that decides what it wants to be from the get-go. The first G.I. Joe was one of these movies.

It had a Wayans brother. It had a pre-popularity Channing Tatum. It inspired Michael Bay to replace Megan Fox with a Victoria's Secret model by having one first. It had Christopher Eccleston as a villain because he should always be a villain.

I don't know any Whovians that defend the Eccleston Doctor season. BECAUSE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE BAD GUY

It had crazy impossible science fiction, like face changing nano-robots and a roaming death cloud of all consuming "nanites". Power suits that made a Wayans brother keep up with a young Channing Tatum and missiles. MISSILES! And all the fan service you can buy without having appropriate colored laser battles.

It's not a good film, but it is a fun ride. Just sit back and let it happen and eat popcorn and let your brain unwind a little. It's tired of you too.

Still, this level of great-yet-terribleness is difficult to repeat. In fact, Sommers is one of the few people to pull it off (The Mummy series) So when they announced a sequel and he wasn't attached? I was sure we were headed for a train wreck. Then they put this trailer together. I was ready to believe.

The first movie had just 2 ninjas. This one has a FREAKING MOUNTAIN FULL OF THEM!

The first movie had Channing Tatum. This one ALSO HAS THE FREAKING ROCK!

The first movie had the Eiffel Tower melting. This one has FREAKING LONDON GETTING FLATTENED FROM SPACE!

The first movie had helicopters exploding vehicles. This one ALSO DOES THAT!

The first movie had Dennis Quaid. This one has BRUCE FREAKING WILLIS AND THE FREAKING ROCK!
The first movie had dialogue. This one has NOTHING BUT ONE-LINERS! AND BONUS JABS AT NORTH KOREA!

This should have been 122 minutes of relentless, over-the-top, nonsensical action. Exposition should have competed with explosions for total screen time. Blue and red lasers should have been so superfluous they would have had to build in a seizure prevention intermission. Instead, we got this turd.

I can pinpoint the exact moment when Retaliation completely ruined everything.

It wasn't the attempt at a quick recap of the previous story, even though it was completely unnecessary and slightly confusing.

It wasn't when they removed Destro, Cobra Commander, and Zartan from the villainous spotlight. Seriously, the villain in this is the actor playing the president. The other's total combined screen time is less than the RZA, so they don't count.

Johnathan Pryce gets second billing ahead of Bruce Willis and Channing Tatum in an action movie. That's not what ruined it.

It wasn't when they shoehorned Bruce Willis into the film. You can even see it in the trailer, he's green screened in a truck instead of doing anything that would require a second take or a stunt double.

It wasn't when they introduced a slew of Joes that we didn't know, and only 1 new villain in "Firefly". Also, it wasn't when they paired up The Rock against Firefly instead of someone physically intimidating.

It wasn't when they started rattling off things that sounded like fan service in passing dialogue, and never show any of it.

It wasn't when they decided that the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow dynamic needed further exploration, so they hired Wu-Tang Clan's kung fu fanatic The RZA to be the new ninja master. This was a good choice, but it's not enough to make up for the decision of making up a twist to the back story in the first place. Not including the RZA in the soundtrack was a bad choice, but that didn't ruin the movie either.

I almost asked why he was in it, and then I came to my senses. Why wouldn't he be in this? Did you see The Man with the Iron Fists? Go do that instead of Retaliation

It wasn't the incredibly boring amount of political warfare that was happening. This could have been called G.I. Joe: Referendum with the amount of time talking about the plots to control the world through politics around nuclear disarmament.

It wasn't the way the evil plan is executed, which when it happens, probably should have wiped out all life on Earth on its own.

It was when they made one horrible decision that killed everything in this movie. 

I'd call it a spoiler, but it was the reason they pushed back the release of this movie, and it was discussed publicly at the time. Still...

You're warned I guess?

It was when they killed everything from the first movie. Seriously. Everything they brought over from the first movie dies in a fire. Take a closer look at the poster. Notice what's missing?

Johnathan Pryce?

It's everyone except Ray Park as Snake Eyes (the all black ninja in the corner), and Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow (the white ninja at the top). The entire original cast, plot, relationships, inside jokes, technology, threats - all of it - gone before the first 25 minutes are finished. I can't name anything that has killed off 99% of the cast and characters from one issue to the next and retained viewers.

OK, maybe this one. But only a little because they keep the same main characters.

I was shocked because they had so much source material from the first movie to call back to, and they got rid of all of it. They couldn't even get Tatum to play his own corpse, which made me think he might not actually be dead. That was, until The Rock dumped out a backpack full of more dog-tags than there were people in the movie, and Bruce Willis picked Duke's out on the first shot.

And it was such a waste! The Rock and Tatum had such great on screen chemistry. They had a banter that made you buy in to their friendship outside of "work". Did no one watch the dailies with the two of them? Who made the call to say "Yeah.....nah. We don't want that anymore."

Enough with the pining for a disastrous action movie that didn't happen. This movie committed the worst offense a movie can make. It was boring. It is poorly held together by the gravity caused by the massive plot holes. The impending threat to the world's safety is only brought out in the closing 15 minutes. For all we can tell, the biggest threat is a shiny briefcase with the COBRA logo. I felt more intensity from listening to the dial up connection in WarGames than the whole of this movie.

Don't see this movie. Not even to get that "train-wreck" aspect. Retaliation will only disappoint you. They should have kept delaying the release of this until a few hours after the end of time. Now you know.

LOST Season 1 episode 11

 Far and away the craziest episode I've seen so far

This was going to be a part of the giant catch up post, but I pulled it separately. This episode in particular exploded my brain with badness. For the rest of episodes 6-12, check here.

We pick up from the previous episode and Doesn'tGetPregnancy Girl is going to have her baby, so naturally this comes with a series of psychotic dreams about being attacked. OR ARE THEY?

We learn through flashbacks that she believed in a psychic. Then we learn that the psychic planned on getting her into a plane crash. I'm not convinced I blame him, since I can't stand her accent or extreme levels of dumb. I vote we get this kid out so she can become Doesn'tGetParenting Girl.

Noel Underhill (formerly the Hobbit) is extremely sweet on her, now that he's sober. She decides Dr. J doesn't believe her, so she leaves the caves into the woods. Because the best thing to do in this case, is leave the only doctor while you are minutes away from labor.

Maybe pregnancy in Australia doesn't hurt as much because they're always around kangaroos?

Here's where things get weird again. Hurley decides to be Law and Order Hurley, which works out great to introduce us to Ethan Rom (not to be confused with Ethan Frome? Cuz I wasn't a fan of that, and Rom's clearly a bad guy who will go to great lengths over a girl. In my mind, Abrams did this on purpose to torment high school English teachers with a slew of "This book is just LOST" essays). Ethan is a guy that we only just met this episode, but apparently is a stalkermurderer who can out hunt and track Prof. X according to Prof. X. So now...DGPG and Noel are kidnapped.

As we go hunting for them, Vampire Diaries and X split off into their own group. X seems to want to wander off into the sunset, but VD (heh) keeps following him. Then they find out that the ground is made of metal. X decides it's steel, because his knife tells him so. I can only assume he's murdered enough steel with the tip of his knife to know the difference.

Meanwhile, Ethan "Bear Grylls" Rom appears out of nowhere, beats up Dr. J, and then hangs Noel.

• He does this after blindfolding him, with a blindfold no one had
• He does this with a giant vine, hanging from the space between a bunch of trees instead of a tree
• He does this without a way to hoist said vine, since it's hanging there like left over Spider-Man webbing in the middle of NYC, and there aren't any pulley systems in this jungle. OR ARE THERE?
• He does this without breaking Noel's neck, even though he would had to have climbed one of those near by trees and dropped Noel, then held him still in the middle like you would steady a punching bag.
• All of this while DGPG is probably in the early stages of labor, and hiking through the jungle, but doesn't seem to slow them down at all.

Ethan's a pretty powerful dude.

Learn from the best. And die like the rest, because there's only one Chuck Norris.

Dr J. and Kate find Dead Noel. They somehow cut him down, and then proceed to revive him in ER/Generic Medical Drama fashion. Only HORRIBLY. Kate paces around the waiting room jungle while Dr. J performs CPR that immediately cost him his medical license. I started laughing at the point where he was "punching" Noel in the chest for the second time (after Kate said "HE'S GONE!!!"), clearly stopping himself in his motion, AND Noel wasn't moving at all.  Good doctoring there, J.

Your "pounding the air two inches above the victim to restart their heart" technique meets all the requirements on this obviously medical clipboard I have. You win at doctor!

Of course, this display of unmitigated failure works suddenly and Noel's fine.

I want to take this moment to thank the internet for existing. I searched "lost jack revives" and this is the first thing that came up. It is better performed than the actual show by a factor of 3.8. I did the math.

I'll let you compare the two. But to give the real thing a chance of matching up, it won't be in English.

How much of a spell did Abrams have cast over America at this point to get away with this? There's no way he got a green light for episodes this far past the pilot with only the budget of the pilot. Did they just ship this sequence straight to production from the island? Was this part shot live and nobody told me?

"We did 27 takes and that was the best one."

To recap: Hurley starts a census to introduce us to the only new person we've met in 10 episodes. He's weird, no one knows him, and he's actually Bear Grylls trained by forest ninjas. Jack is able to revive people just by being angry near them. Noel can live through a lynching and DGPG reaaaaallllly annoys me, but not enough that I wish harm on the unborn child. We managed to cram more out of control crazy into this episode than the last 8 combined. I'm proud. I'm ashamed. I'm excited for the possibility of even more horrible jungle-doctoring. Guess the only way to know is to keep going!

10 things that happened on LOST season 1 episodes 6-12

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - LOST season 1 ep 6-12

It's been a while since I've put up any new anything on...well anything. For why I was on hiatus, check here.

It doesn't mean I've given up on my quest to catch up to the rest of the LOSTrailians and the year 2005. In fact, the last stack of episodes were extremely character specific, and therefore will be summed up quickly in whatever manner I remember them. Ready...go!

1) Episode 7 surprised me at the end, because it was written by Paul Dini (at least in part)! I have to assume that he's an Oasis fan and now I have so much more respect for him. I didn't even know that was possible.

Turns out the Hobbit is actually Noel Gallagher of Oasis and it's not even subtle. There's an entire episode of him coming to grips with being a drug addict rock star with a brother who thinks he's better than Noel. Also Noel writes all the songs and hates his brother for being the more popular lead singer. ALSO THEY NAMED THE BROTHER LIAM.

He even kinda looks like Liam, if Liam were to become a sober accountant in New Hampshire.

So What's the Story? Professor X tells Oasis Hobbit aka Noel Underhill (see what I did there?) that it's time to Dig Out Your Soul. Prof X will deny Noel a dime bag 3 times so that Noel will decide to Be Here Now. Some how, that will cure him of his addiction permanently through some kind of Heathen Chemistry. And of course, Noel overcomes it by Standing on the Shoulder of Giants. But in this show that is Familiar to Millions, Don't Believe the Truth.

I think that's all of them. Definitely Maybe. I'm disappointed that I did this and Abrams & Co. didn't. Maybe it's all part of The Masterplan? I'm done. Stop the Clocks.

 2) Hurley builds a golf course that is immediately forgotten forever during the end credits. Hooray for Hurley!

3) Sayid and Dr. J torture Sawyer because he...knows something that might save someone else...I think it had to do with medicine. That was it! Taken Girl had asthma for an episode. And I think by the end X cured her of that too? Maybe it was Dr. J? Whoever cured her breathing problems with breathing, it wasn't that important and it was laughably dumb. Next I expect someone to have lung cancer, and a random star cures it by smoking all of the cigarettes on the island.
Anyways, the important part was our "heroes" deciding to torture the "villain". And the "villain" turns out to just be a misunderstood ass hat, who still sucks.

Gonna take a lot more than this awkward scene for me to care about Sawyer. Sorry ladies.

Because of this, Sayid decides to run away forever like a 9 year old. No one seems to mind. It's not like he could take the Stretch Armstrong.

4) Sayid is captured by some crazy-ass Frenchwoman scientist who tortures him for answers to prompt his flashbacks until he fixes a music box. Then we learn that Crazy Jane Austen(scientist, jungle, go with me) tells him that she went all murdertown on everyone she hung out with. This is justified because...wait for it...the PolarBearT-Rex might actually just be a cloud of death spores! Or a crazy mental illness! Or Zombie Cancer! That is, until we hear more roars in the jungle, and Sayid escapes.

This is the moment he realized he didn't feel sore from his torture anymore

5) Sawyer gets his flashback episode, (which is apparently part of the Sayid Tortures An Ass Hat episode) in which we find out he is a giant douche AND a con man. Only then we find out he's just a misunderstood ass hat, who still sucks. "I became what I hate?" Come on. Booooooooo.

6) Hawaii Five-O and wife can't speak English....until she CAN! Also their marriage is in shambles because of...business ninjas? It seemed like a bit of that and "you're married to your job". But they were going to get back together, so it would've been OK if they didn't crash. Also, the Only Black Guy gets his ass kicked over a watch. I'm not convinced he serves any other purpose than to take a beating and be a terrible role model for the kid. Much like Sawyer is there to be a misunderstood ass hat and a giant purse. He just happens to have exactly everything someone needs at that exact time? No one else anywhere picked up anything useful at all? Whatever.

Misunderstood. Purse-like qualities. Occasionally shirtless? Think I get why the ladies like him.

7) Across several episodes, a bunch of people move into the caves of infinite water. No wars have broken out between camps as of yet, but it does make for an excellent excuse to not speak to 75% of the cast in any given episode.

8) Episode 11 was so insane, it has been granted a separate post. I've set it up here.

9) Kate gets an episode to remind us she can stand around in her underwear(to go swimming). That leads to her finding a case that holds her secret past. Her secret past of that one time where she was being a bank robber who conned bank robbers to get to a secret deposit box that held the key to her secret past. Inside the secret deposit box is? A secret envelope!

We learn that Kate killed someone who she probably loved, and kept his toy airplane. In an envelope, in a suitcase, in a deposit box, in a bank (in the hole in the bottom of the sea).  Also guns and bullets, which I'm sure will end up all over the place later. That said, if this plane ends up being named St. Elsewhere, I'm gonna break something.

I don't care how hot you are. If the island is contained in that plane, we can't be friends. OK that might be a lie.

10) And last, but certainly not least, we see more of my favorite character to date, Jack's dad. Sadly, this was the part of the story where we learned why Dr. J is so torn up about his dad. J kicked his dad out of a surgery because of drinking, and then a patient died. So Dr. J was going to turn Dr. Dad in. Then he wasn't. Then he did it anyways! So now Dr. J blames himself for Dr. Dad drinking himself to death, and we missed an opportunity for some great Dr. Dad insults like "Go ask your mommy to tie up your scrub pants for you like a big boy, while I drink scotch and take out this jackwagon's appendix. Like a man. A man who wins. Except at having a useful son. But you can't win 'em all, Jack. You can't [drink] win 'em all. [evil eye over rocks glass while drinking the rest]" Bring back the Dr. Dad I like so much, 2005 J.J.Abrams!

Wow. What amazes me most about these episodes is that we barely went anywhere. We have caves that explain the water situation. We have some history on a bunch of the main characters, but no one's died or accomplished anything. Based on the near decade's worth of LOST wannabe's, I'm expecting we won't get anywhere in terms of an overall plot for another 45 episodes. I'm 10% of the way through!

In memory of the princess

This is my second non-movie based post. It was more difficult to write, but equally necessary. I like to tell stories, and any pet owner will tell you stories upon stories of their furry family members, even when you don't ask. This process of personifying pet antics helps solidify them as a part of your family; part of your life.  You love them like family, and you tell those same stories, even after they've passed. These stories are about some of my furry family through the years, and about our littlest princess, Eleanor.

The Princess

Eleanor was a soft wirehair runt of a small dachshund. Were she well bred, she'd be considered a runt of a rabbit dachshund. My wife found her online through a local breeder and was immediately and irrevocably hooked. She had already saved up her pennies. She begged to get this dog for two full weeks non-stop. So one day, we went "just to meet her". She, of course, would be coming home with us.

I'm supposed to hunt you and very small badgers.

We met Elle at a farm with a few dozen baying dachshunds of various sizes and shapes. The breeders needed no alarm system. Neither did the rest of the county with that noise. After being invited inside to another small pack of howling hounds, we took a seat on a well worn couch and waited for our chance to meet the star. She walked into the room smaller than my foot. We asked about her health, shots, and if she was housebroken. On cue, she peed on the rug, then sprinted around the room 3 times to show off how proud she was.

She was very good at "you can't see me"...mostly.

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My first pet was a 20 pound behemoth of a cat found sneaking around Satan's barn. He was too pretty and stupid to be an outdoor cat, and too angry towards humanity to be an indoor cat, so my mom decided to bring him home. Evinrude spent the majority of his 17 years as a hate-and-kidney-stone-filled bastard, with just enough lovable moments that you forgave him. Which was likely part of his plan.

Evinrude would claim all of your attention (and lap. Did I mention he was big?) for a predetermined amount of time. Any deviation from the love clock in his head was non-compliance and would be met with punishment. He had a vicious mean streak with the muscle and foul language to back it up. I learned the F-bomb from this cat. Yes, he had figured out hard K sounds.

This isn't him. Once Evinrude was outside he'd freeze. He just wanted someone to yell at him to get back inside.

This cat was likely a descendant from Chuck Norris' beard trimmings. We put him on a strict regiment of super-de-duper diet food. He gained 2 pounds. It took a patrol of ex-KGB trained bouncers-turned-dog groomers to shave his billowy and easily tangled white fur in the summer. After he was sedated. Twice. The calmest this fiend ever was came after he found his Christmas present one year. He stalked, slayed, and ate an entire pound of catnip; wrapping paper, plastic and all. To put that in perspective, go eat 5% of your body weight in raw marijuana in a single sitting, with a roll of wrapping paper to wash it down.

Don't. You would most certainly die.

The beast that was my first pet was in renal failure for the better part of 6 years. He was too stubborn and too mean and too immovable to let Death try anything.

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Miss Eleanor had a bark larger than she was. For the first few months, her bark would knock her over backwards. Eventually she learned how to plant herself and let her big brother go first. If we didn't mow the lawn at least weekly, the grass would be taller than her. Same with shoveling snow in the winter. She loved it all. If she got really excited about something in the yard, real or perceived, she would bound through the yard like Pepé Le Pew.

She was only slightly less stinky. Slightly.

Elle was the only dachshund I know that loved the water. Dachshunds were built for tunneling and hunting ground game, but Elle wasn't really built for either. These features do no justice to their canoe shaped bodies, which sink like stone. I've never seen another dachshund that wants to be wet. Elle stumbled upon her love for the water on a hike one day. Granted, this love only went up shoulder high, but she would march right in to water of any quality just to walk around drinking the face-high liquid, as if she thought she was a fish trying to breathe.

The smile says it all

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My family and I met the sisters "just to meet them". I was claimed by Allison, my sister by Cinderella. They, of course, came home with us that day. Mom would defend this decision to Dad by saying "well we couldn't just take one! They're sisters! And they're so little.". Dad tolerated the increase in cat population because there was no way they could combine to be as troublesome as Evinrude.

Ally and her sister Cinder came into our home as kittens. They would be dubbed "scoop kittens" by a friend because you could easily scoop them up one handed. This would not last. Forklift kittens would be a more accurate description.

I'm a dainty flower. You gonna tell me otherwise?

Ally was a cat with many quirks. For the first few years, it was her job to ensure Cinder's ears were clean. Abundantly clean. Stand on Cinder's neck and hold her down clean. Tackle Cinder from across the house clean. We began to wonder if Ally though ears needed to be wet to function. You could say "dry ears" and she would start hunting for Cinder. Cinder did not appreciate this, but Ally could throw her weight around so it mattered little.

She also had a thing for my clean socks. Namely, they had to die in a fire. Chasing  my folded socks across the room and murdering them was really the only exercise this cat ever cared for. That and moving at the speed of light when the kibble was being poured.

Nothing to see here, human.

Lastly, she hated my wife. More than slow kibble. More than dry ears. Nearly as much as my socks. Allison hated my wife. You know how girls in sitcoms get when they're being jealous? They go way over the top with some hysterical freak out and then some other girlfriend or side male character calls them "catty" and they storm off to shoot daggers from across the room. Those writers pay us a royalty check every month for the inspiration found in the way Allison treated my wife.

It's one of the many reasons I never have to watch shows like this. That and you know, I'm a guy.

Allison eventually had a stroke, combined with some other health issues made life increasingly unpleasant for her. But she wasn't going to leave me in the hands of some other woman.

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Eleanor loved the leash. She always wanted to lead the way, until she was distracted by all the things that were out in the world. Just getting the leash out would produce a one dog three ring circus act of running, jumping, standing, barking, squeaking, licking, and impatience that made those videos of excited kids about to go to Disney World look like disgruntled teenagers at a family reunion.

And her bandana, because she looked dapper

Or the sweater grandma knitted for her to match her brother

She also loved eating. We'd have to add water to her food just to keep her from inhaling the bowl. She would spend just as long cleaning every bowl in the house as everyone else would eating. She'd eat anything, especially if her brother already had (it's like he's making a free snack in the yard!).

And the bone. Always the bone.

She loved her family. Loki, the biggest cat, was her personal chew toy. He spent years thinking the ground was dog-breath flavored lava; coming out only once she was crated. Puck was her moving target, and they would chase each other until Puck scaled a bookshelf and laughed at her.

So close!

Edgar was her oldest brother. She wanted nothing more than to be with him and do what he was doing. She would go as far as to stretch out directly on top of him, even in the hottest days.

Jackson, the newest bald puppy, would be her little brother. She felt it was her duty to keep an eye on him, and clean his face whenever he forgot to do it himself (he keeps forgetting to do it!). She would show him how to play with his toys (you bite the eyes first! Then get 'em where they squeak, right in the crotch!). She even showed him where to pee before going to mom's work for a check up (It's this tree in the parking lot, so everyone can see you!)

She loved her mom and dad too. The best things in the world could always be made better with mom or dad around. Which made the last few days the hardest.

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Miss Eleanor was in bad shape a few months back. Food wasn't as great as it used to be. We tried everything. We bought new food. We changed foods. We changed it again. Finally my wife brought her in to work and got the bad news. She had multiple cancerous growths throughout her intestines. Too many to operate, too many thousands of dollars to use chemo, which would only be an extended stall for the same result.

Prednisone is a steroid that works wonders for a time. Elle was right back to her "old" self within a day. Nothing could stop her. One of the side effects to Pred is an increased appetite. She'd eat everything all day. This is when she discovered her love of pretzels.

Things were so well for so long, I forgot there was even an issue. Unfortunately, this was always a matter of time, not cures. When cancer eventually solves for the steroids, everything comes crashing down. This was reality at its harshest. In what seemed like overnight, the world was broken. By Saturday morning, Eleanor was dying.

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I'd never owned dogs until I married my wife. To watch one when it's in that poor condition is beyond heart-wrenching. Elle could barely move. Wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, wouldn't even take the bait as Puck ran around her. She was small, so she found several places to hide. She didn't want to be seen this way.  We hoped for it to be just a bad day. We wished this was just an unpleasant reminder that the end would come, but not for a while yet. We were fortunate to have the time that we did.

The decision was clear, and so early Monday evening we brought her in to my wife's practice one final time. She still wagged her tail when I got her leash out, but we had to carry her most of the way. She peed on her tree, and we went inside. I had not been the decision maker for any of my previous pets. Nor had I been present for the euthanasia. My wife's co-workers were all very considerate, and the process has been perfected over the years to be painless for the animal. My wife held her, and I pet her head while the neon pink shot was administered. So little changed, and so did everything.

********************************

There is a difference between caring for yourself, caring for your family, and caring for an animal. Domestic animals always need our help. They look to us for everything. Sometimes, they look to us for food, for friendship, for that one itchy spot to get scratched for as long as we can handle it. And sometimes, they look to us for help. Evinrude was too old and too stubborn to let go on his own. Allison was too in charge and too jealous to let go. Eleanor loved everything too much to stop. All of them needed our help.

To take an animal into your home is to accept that one day, you may be faced with this kind of a decision. For me, this was both the easiest and most challenging conclusion to reach. I can understand why some would choose to forgo this inevitable hardship. But I can't imagine what my life would be like without the experiences that led me to these stories. And Eleanor's short time with us was an experience like no other.

Thanks, little girl