Lost - s1 ep 4 and 5

It has been a long day, so I just wrote thoughts as I watched these two epsides. I'm starting to learn characters enough to actually refer to them by name, and then immediately give them a new nickname. Jackson and the dogs were having a snoring competition throughout, so the noises of the jungle were in free stereo surround sound for me! Let's do this!

Episode 4 - In which Locke becomes the most interesting character that cannot develop any further.

I like the idea of Locke trying to be all he can believe of himself, and no one else knowing the truth (so far) about his mindset or his definitely fake leg(s)?. I have bought in to him more than Kate/Jack and Sayid, because he's very believable.

OK so I guess he can be interesting because he saw the What-Is-Currently-A-T-Rex.

Also his ability to conjure oranges in his mouth is pretty cool

Jack is going nuts because he's seeing his accountant in the distance. When he gets home, he's going to owe sooooo many taxes.

Druggie Hobbit got duped by TakenGirl for a fish. Too bad for us. He was fun when he was all gushy. Also she sucks as a human.

Oh. Locke's obvious "don't tell me what I can't do!" thing makes everything messed up now because he was in a wheelchair, not just using prosthetics. But he can walk fine, because plane crashes do that to people. So really, he's like Professor X in the Savage Lands. Or he's actually quite dead.

My baldy-sense is saying...there are not enough orange slices here

Key things:
- The dog is fine
- The (currently) Only Black Guy Dad got hurt, so he's at least 0.2 points dead, filling visual media union regulations for "kill or wound a minority for going some place with a white main character" for now.
- Crazy Black Lady who lost her husband has given us enough excuse to introduce another 50 characters at a later part because her husband is not gone. She said so. Therefore her remaining lines until that point will all be "he's not gone.", and then "told you so" when they find that second group of survivors.

Current Theory:
Sticking with the Sixth Sense thing.

Episode 5 - In which Jack decides that he has issues and they are resolved.

Opens with unknown female extra #3 drowning horribly. Jack randomly saves Vampire Diaries who NO ONE SAW OR HEARD FROM until Jack dove under the water to find the girl. VD (heh) is remarkably fine for drowning, and they have a nice chat on their way back to shore. Jack is haunted by that weird funeral director. (ooooo I like that better than accountant)

TakenGirl is the only one who can change outfits, and thinks giant hoop earrings of that size go with it. None of the men complain. Oddly, no women seem to either.

Great. Doesn't-Get-Pregnancy Girl is an astrologist. This we needed.

I've decided I really like count of people left alive from Battlestar Galactica more than randomly discussing headcount in Lost. Gimme a made up number at the start of every episode with some weird vocalising behind it. Make this happen, 2004 J.J. Abrams.

Battlestar was on the same years as Lost. This should've been easy.

Jack's dad is my new favorite background character. "You stood up for a friend, and got your face punched in. Clearly, you don't have what it takes to be as awesome as I am when I let children die in surgery. Now leave Daddy alone with his Scotch. The stink of failure coming off you is turning it sour." I hope next time we see him he takes kid Jack's Frosted Flakes saying, "Deliciousness is for winners. Sack up."

Is the funeral director Jack's dad? Unacceptable. This is no longer fun. This is now Freud's problem. Where's my T-Rex? Bring back the T-Rex!

Eh. Close enough.

OK, fine, I do want to know what Jack/his Dad did to ruin eveything. I have 111 episodes to find out, I guess.

Still, for a "doctor", Jack is pretty dumb. If this is really a jungle island, Jack is also now dead. Even when he climbs up this cliff he nearly fell off with the help of his ghost dad, he's been running alone in the woods while no one looks for him. He's exhausted and dehydrated and vastly sleep deprived and he just rolled down at least 30 feet of rocky hill.

Oh, it's Professor X instead of ghost dad to the rescue. Fine, he can find and survive anything. DON'T TELL HIM WHAT HE CAN'T DO!

I've decided it is going to be sad when Druggie Hobbit's contract runs out I mean he dies heroically.

Why did Hawaii Five-O suddenly understand English when the Hot Girl Leader said it? You know what, nevermind. This actually makes plenty of sense.

X asks Dr.J "Why are you out here?". I said "You can read his mind! Why ask?" out loud. Don't judge me. While writing this sentence, X is talking about how this place is magic. Now I realized that he can't read Dr. J's mind. In the Savage Lands, X could walk but not read minds anymore. Duh. Don't judge me?

Next time on Lost...

Dumb ol' Dr. J grabs the middle of a log straight out of the fire. Yea. That'll work and it won't burn you or anything. In the next shot he  has a different log on fire that allows him to find a waterfall with creepy dolls everywhere. Somehow, he will find his way back to shore and remember everything without a problem, even though it's night and he hasn't slept in 5 episodes.

Good news everyone! Chrissy the airline service agent gets to keep her job because it will never be discovered that she passed an unauthorized corpse through customs! I bet she got some weird looks from her cats when she said "Well that's a relief!" during the local nightly news report about the plane crash. I sure hope she finds happiness in her slightly above minimum wage job.

Hey, I was right! Dr. J found his way back and remembers the exact path to the doll infested waterfall. At night. Without a torch. Or a dad corpse, which is likely 10 feet away from where he was looking/Hulk-smashing. That'll be fun when they go get water at first light. Also TakenGirl has a new outfit.

The (currently) Only Black Guy watered the dog instead of his son. Good choice, Lost.

Key points:
The dog is fine.
Jack will now be called Dr. J
Locke will now be called X, or Professor
Boone is the actual name of Vampire Diaries, or VD for short (heh)
Dr. J's Daddy issues are resolved until they decide to not be again, because he couldn't get the closure of disposing of another corpse. Didn't we just discuss what happens to corpses last episode? With the corpse eating boars?

Current Theory:
Still sticking with the Sixth Sense thing, but now I'm adding that Dr. J is a mortician, because he apparently loves to dispose of corpses and has a decent amount of knowledge on doing so.

Arena

Floro's The Party Got Cancelled Reviews - Arena

Samuel L. Jackson, a shirtless Twilight vampire, the Asian guy who's in Lost and Hawaii Five-O, Someone that I assume is a cop in Dexter (among a million other things. James Remar. You've seen or heard him in things. I promise), and briefly the girl from Vampire Diaries, team up for this direct to video action/slasher/bloodfest debacle. I really think this was going to be a theatrical release, and then someone said, "Wait a minute....you want to do what? All of these people are too popular to be seen in a thing like this." They were right, and thankfully kept Arena out of the theatres.

Arena is a little bit of Saw plus a lot of The Running Man, and maybe a little Truman Show. It's definitely not hiding from an R rating. There are a handful of blatant nods to other movies interspersed amongst the gore (I counted at least Silence of the Lambs, Roots, Cool Had Luke, and Office Space) . But there's gore for sure.

Kellan Lutz is a nobody/rugby player/fireman/paramedic/former Marine who suddenly has no reason to live. He is kidnapped by Samuel L Jackson as a new combatant for the aptly named internet broadcast "Death Games". Broadcast in a green screen magic room that can make weapons and objects appear because Samuel L. Jackson effing says so. And how else can you go from samurais to World War 2 soldiers to...fighting construction workers? (Yes that too.) For reasons unknown, Kellan Lutz is a super fighter who now has to fight to survive for vengeance, all without a shirt whilst getting tased a lot.

This was half the story board for this movie

There isn't much room for acting in this one. Of course, Samuel L. Jackson uses this opportunity to go so far over the top it skips clean over insane and into the realm of comic book villain crazy. Lutz does his job well, but his job encompasses not wearing a shirt, flexing, and yelling, usually while covered in red dye. Actually, most people don't wear shirts in this movie, so that talent's even less unique.

To make this movie more tolerable, the drinking rules are:
- Drink on all kills. Obviously.
- Drink when Samuel L. Jackson wears a different suit.
- Drink when someone gets tased
- Drink when you're impressed by the crazy push-ups Lutz does.
- Bonus: Drink on shots of Lutz's feet. They happen more than you'd think.

Beer helps this one. So very much.

This actually could have pulled off a theatrical release if they dialed back the torture/blood/nudity, and gave Lutz more of a character with a back story so we cared. It wouldn't take much for it to have been a low to mid performer at the box office. They could've sold an extra week by advertising a twist that makes no sense near the ending that makes no sense. It's budgeted and produced like a theatrical release. It's only worth the price of admission if you already pay for Netflix Instant and have alcohol to be drinking. Otherwise, really don't.

The Hurt Locker

Floro's Late to the Party Movie Reviews - The Hurt Locker 

Guy Pearce/Jeremy Renner star in a movie that deserves almost all of the accolades it has received. Please note, it's not called the Happy Locker, or the Nothing Bad Happens Locker. It's the Hurt Locker. Things aren't super for our heroes.

There are many single words that can be used to describe this masterpiece (look, there's one!). Gripping. Cinematic. Tense. Unforgiving. Amazing.The scene depicted in the poster above is particularly awesome.

It puts you in your place, which is nailed to your seat, immediately. You are a silent observer to bomb defusers in war torn occupied Iraq. You can do nothing about what is happening; only bear witness. Deal with it. The Hurt Locker won't go back and explain any of the military terms or protocols, which forces the audience to be smarter and figure it out. When done well, this is a great choice in any story telling.

It took me until nearly 15 minutes after the final credits to make a certain realization about our two main guys' decisions in bomb defusal as the time is running out, and the ensuing consequences. I won't disclose what specifically here. I'll just say that the movie allows you to think of it on your own, but isn't diminished if you don't see it the way I did.

My only major complaint is that the main musical theme was very moving and memorable, but played so often during the Oscars, that it triggered painful memories of that waste of time. I got so tired of hearing it over and over. The fact that the Academy disagreed with me personally (except for Up) didn't help. I get why now, but I still wouldn't have gone with Best Picture against Up. I could have seen the Academy picking The Blind Side, Up in the Air, District 9, or even Inglorious Basterds to win also.

Seriously, the Oscars suck.

Simply wow. Not for all audiences mostly because of the setting and results, though it has some intermittent gore to boot. If you are in the mood to handle a tough movie, pick this one.

Lost, S1 ep1-3

Floro's Late to the Party Reviews - Lost

I finally decided to do this thing because it had been sitting on my Netflix queue for a long enough time. I figured I could catch up to the popular TV culture of 2004. I've managed to go this long without hearing anything critical that really stuck, and I'd like to keep it that way so shut up.

I'll post my working theories and commentary about the show here. I hope it brings back memories for the rest of you, and mostly it gives me a way to keep track of what's going on.

So far, in the first three episodes we have a T-Rex terrorizing an island of plane crash survivors that includes:

• A drug addict hobbit
• A girl who has no concept of what being that pregnant does to a person
• The girl from Taken and Lockout as a whiny useless party girl who did find her bikini in tact among the corpses.
• That guy from Vampire Diaries as the dumb brother of said girl
• That cop from all of those shows as a soon to be dead air marshal who was bringing the fugitive
• Future minor role girl friend in Real Steel and The Hurt Locker as tough hot leader chick with a dark past and a reason to stand in her underwear for some plot point I'm sure they'll create eventually (they'll have to explain it, or keep doing it. Either way works for me). She could use several sandwiches, and would likely die from starvation considering the only food I've seen are some left over plane meals, an apple-like fruit, and some possible sushi made by...
• The asian cop from the remake of Hawaii Five-O, only he doesn't speak English
• That guy from Heroes who told the future (though Lost is before there was Heroes) as the pilot that gets eaten by a T-Rex which is potentially a massive polar bear. Because they already killed...
• A CGI polar bear that changed into a stuffed animal covered in ketchup (yay pilot episodes with no budget)
• Some guy getting sucked into an engine because they totally had to do that
• Oh, and some of the absolute worst fake CPR in the history of captured footage. At least they tried to make shaky-cam jump cuts to distract me, unlike Scrubs or A Sound of Thunder.

Also, Hurley is immediately loveable and I get why everyone wants the best for him. I also like that the dog has more episode credits than a third of the series, so I think it's safe to assume that Hurley and the dog are the heroes of the story.

He's not this bad ass yet

Probably going to outlive at least 1 of these humans

My current theory is the island is either a secret lab that would've made for a better Jurassic Park 4, a dream that Vincent the dog is having, or it's a 6 season long rendition of The Sixth Sense. There's some similarities between Jack and Bruce Willis in the first episode, and things are weird enough to make this happen. And if you haven't seen The Sixth Sense yet, I won't spoil it for you here. There. Now we're even. Don't say I never did anything for you.

OK so that's 3 down and...114 to go?! Awwwww what? How did you people make it through this 1 week at a time? No wonder everyone was so rabid about it. I don't even know how they're going to continue for another 4 episodes without killing off half the cast or making this all Lord of the Flies. Guess I'll find out.