How Iron Man 3 Should Have Ended

How Floro thinks Iron Man 3 should have ended

Before I get all spoilery on the summer's first blockbuster, I want to be clear; I liked Iron Man 3. It was better than Iron Man 2, if for nothing else the noticeable lack of Mickey Rourke talking about his burrd.

Hello, writers? Try harder. I can be cooler than this.

Iron Man 3 was just fun. It definitely took itself halfway up the ramp to jump the shark, and then it thankfully changed direction. It has pretty much all the requirements for a summer explosion based action movie designed to set box office records. On top of that, the acting and dialogue is strong. Even the kid is tolerable. Of course, Sir Ben Kingsley is Sir Ben Kingsley, who manages to completely absorb the entire world when he's on screen.

Through all of this, Iron Man 3 is also disappointing, even for the non-nerdy. There are many metaphors that can be used to describe why this money printing, well scored, piece of work disappoints. I'm going to try this one.

Imagine you have the opportunity to put on a giant music festival. Like a bigger Woodstock without the psycho riots or constantly being surrounded by human sewage. In fact, call it Woodstock 3. You call up all the biggest bands you can find. You get a line up where Jimi Hendrix is opening for the Rolling Stones opening for The Beatles who take a set break for a fireworks show in the shape of a dragon followed by free beer for a few hours and then some more awesomeness happens, like maybe even Michael Jackson shows up to give The Beatles back their music and then they do a 3 hour mega mix of all of their work. You draw all of this up. You advertise the hell out of it. You set up an amazing stage and sound system. The lights go down, and come up on the sellout crowd. Suddenly, everyone you lined up is on the stage, ready to go and...they all play "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.

For an encore? The Itsy Bitsy Spider

There's so much potential afforded this movie by the existing Marvel Universe and the acting talent they've earned from years of repeated success. Unfortunately, it all seems shoehorned in to the story the writers wanted to present. If they had gone with either the story as written, or stayed closer to the existing source material, there wouldn't be that bad taste in my mouth at the end. The movie lost it's point and it's value by splitting their resources trying to do both.

With all of that said, I will now attempt to do what many picky, nerdy, fanboy critics do, and write how I would have ended it. How it should have ended. It adds a few minutes, but we can cut 10-20 minutes of the kid/self revelation stuff without impact. This still keeps in mind that Robert Downey Jr. is no longer under contract so he may not be the future Tony Stark. My ending should still offend enough true fanboys to keep the internet ablaze. 

But first, to provide SPOILER ALERT space, here are some pictures of some other, far worse Marvel movie failures that have already/will eventually cause a reboot and yet another obnoxious origin movie.

Derp.

Shoulda stayed in The Matrix.

Don't make Hulk watch this. Ang Lee make Hulk sad.

This is the zenith of his Peter Parker; holding open a coat slightly.

OK. You had your chance to get away. Here we go.

Start: The end of the movie narrated run down with Robert Downey Jr. explaining how everything wraps up.

"I got Penny fixed up."

We pan across Penny in the hospital. Tube in one arm is full of bright blue goo going in. Paltrow glows Extremis Red, but slowly fades. Tube out of the other arm shows dark green sludge coming out.

Continue with "I started taking care of myself" shrapnel removal scene. Jump ahead to the clean up sequence at the house. RDJ gives his final line about being more than the suit and drives off.

Then Ben Kingsley starts narrating as The Mandarin as the screen fades towards black.

BK "It would seem even The Mandarin can be taught a lesson."

We transition in from the right to The Mandarin's throne room. BK standing behind the throne in his Mandariny garb, back to the audience. We hear people approaching.

BK turns and the view shifts to show 2 guards dragging in a charred, misshappen Guy Pearce.

BK: "Granted, it took an Iron Legion to stop me."

GP: "UNHAND ME! I'M THE MANDARIN! I AM IN CHARGE! I--"

[BK casually twists one of his Ten Rings]

GP [suddenly relaxed]: "Where...?[kneels, as best he can] Did it work? Were we successful, Master?"

BK: "Yes"

GP [sigh of relief]
BK: [Holding a small, dark green vial] "The Extremis solution is complete. Stark managed to give us the answer."

GP: [still relieved, nervous chuckle, etc]

BK: "And yet...no, we were not...successful."

GP: [stunned] "What...what do you mean?"

BK: "Your mission was to get Stark to complete the formula using you. Not an unworthy weakling like Pepper Potts. Now the solution is...tainted. You have failed."

GP: [sullen, then panicked] "Forgive me Master. I will heal, and...and I'll improve the design! I can make it better and we can..."

BK: "Enough. I have learned a lesson today.[begins to travel around the throne to GP] Tony Stark is a great man, but he is just a man. It's the suit that makes him more than a man."[walks away from GP towards some scary looking machinery, rife with dry ice fog and dark green sludge in tubes] "And so...I have realized that I too need...a champion. Someone that is more than a man. The ultimate man. One who will not fail me again." [beat: cut to GP as he realizes] "Put him in."

[Guards drag GP to the machine, and violently strap him into the apparatus. Should look like a modern medival torture rack. GP panics, screams, struggles and fights. Cut to needles stabbing GP in the arms, legs, chest, etc. GP starts to glow increasingly red.]

BK: [Subtle nod to another guard, who throws a switch]

[Metal casing closes around GP. Dark green sludge starts flowing in through the tubes. GP screaming increases. Metal casing starts to melt around GP's form]

BK: "Your body will help you recover from the process. The Extremis solution will combine your flawed humanity with this wonderful alloy we acquired from Major Styker, and you will rise from the ashes a new man."

[Show solid block of metal. silence from GP]

BK: "Worthy of The Mandarin's power." [twists one ring, colored light from case shows]

[Show casing melting, steam/smoke, subtle lights change]

BK: "Worthy to do my bidding!" [twists a second ring, colors instensify, low hum starts]

[Casing starts small cracks. Guards lean in out of curiosity, or run away.

BK: "Able to overcome any who oppose my will!" [twists a third ring, colors intensify]

[Casing cracks, explodes/shatters, dust everywhere. Curious guards dead]

BK: "When you came to me, you were but a feeble shell of a man. You had failed. I fixed you; raised you to greatness, and yet you still failed."
[Show kneeling form, head down.]

BK: "Now, I have granted you perfection! Near immortality! Strength beyond your wildest dreams! What will you do for me?"

GP:[still kneeling, head down. Voice with a robotic filter] "I serve.[breath, head up, Dark green eye glow] I obey."

BK: "Good. And what will you do about Iron Man, or the Avengers, or anyone who gets in my way?"

GP: "If they move, they die." [standing, now visibly taller than everyone in the room. Sees one guard, not quite dead, crawling away.]  "If they resist, [Steps on guard's head] they die first."

[Blackout. Roll credits]